To Seek or Not to Seek Advice: Talking About Romantic Issues During Emerging Adulthood

The aim of the study was to explore whether and how emerging adults talk about their romantic relationships with their close others, especially their parents and friends, also considering gender differences. Data were collected via eight single-sex focus groups conducted with 50 Italian emerging adults (aged 18–25), and were analyzed using thematic analysis. Two main themes emerged. The first was labeled “to seek advice”, which was divided into three subthemes: “I look for different points of view,” “I treasure other people’s words,” and “I listen and then do it my own way.” The second theme was “to not seek advice,” which was divided into two subthemes: “I do not need comparison” and “I need to choose on my own.” The findings revealed that close friends, more than parents, are important interlocutors for discussions on romantic relationships, and few gender differences were found. Furthermore, we can speculate that emerging adults’ reasons for seeking advice or not could relate to their autonomy and relatedness needs.

Literature about romantic issues' self-disclosure during adolescence provides some insights, however the transition to adulthood is a different developmental phase (Arnett, 2000;Furman & Winkles, 2012) with specific features. For instance, emerging adulthood is characterized by a focus on intimacy (Erikson, 1963;Furman & Winkles, 2012), but also on the individuation process, in which emerging adults achieve autonomy and independence from close others, especially parents, still conserving a sense of connection with them (Blos, 1979;Mattanah, Hancock, & Brand, 2004). Thus, the way in which emerging adults talk with parents and friends about their romantic issues could also be influenced by the developmental processes characterizing this transition.
Despite the importance of romantic relationships in emerging adulthood, little research, especially in Italy, has been conducted on emerging adults' communication about romantic relationships with close others. Emerging adulthood in Italy presents some unique properties such as the delay in leaving parental home, or the importance of romantic relationships for this role transition (Carrà, Lanz, & Tagliabue, 2014;Crocetti & Tagliabue 2016;Lanz & Tagliabue, 2007Regalia, Lanz, Tagliabue, & Manzi, 2011). Research conducted in Italy revealed that being involved in a romantic relationship is specifically linked with future plans (e.g., leaving the parental home and having a baby; Lanz & Tagliabue, 2007) and with the emerging adults' perception of what adulthood means; in particular people involved in a romantic relationship, more than single ones, think that adulthood is related to interdependence (an adult is characterized by being committed to longterm love relationships and making life-long commitments to others), role transitions (people married, with at least one child, settled into long-term career and owing a house are defined as adult people), respect of norms (adults avoid becoming drunk and do not have more than one sexual partner), and family capacities (adults are capable of caring for their family and children; Crocetti & Tagliabue, 2016). Support from one's family, both emotional and material, has been found to be relevant for emerging adults' adjustment and identity (Crocetti & Meeus, 2014), although some findings revealed that romantic relationships are more important and affect the perception of the parent-child relationship's quality, whereas the opposite is not true (Regalia et al., 2011). Friends' support has also been found to be significantly linked with Italian emerging adults' self-image (Tagliabue, Lanz, & Pozzi, 2006) and identity (Crocetti & Meeus, 2014); however, less research has addressed friendship during emerging adulthood in Italy.

Aim of Current Research
Consequently, we qualitatively explored whether and how emerging adults talk with their close others about their romantic relationships, especially their parents and friends, also considering possible gender differences.
We decided to include both emerging adults who are currently involved in romantic relationships and those who have been involved, but are now single. The reason for that choice is linked to the fact that people who are single today but have been involved in a romantic relationship in the past, have been forced to manage a break up. The experience of breaking up is, indeed, quite common during emerging adulthood, and it could have been an important reason for communication and self-disclosure with close others (Norona, Olmstead, & Welsh, 2017). We also decided to use single-sex focus groups in order to explore gender differences. In focus group sessions, a small number of people is invited to discuss regarding specific topics, and group social interaction is employed to enhance feedback on beliefs, experiences, and reactions of respondents (Gibbs, 1997), and to facilitate their self-disclosure through mutual support (Krueger & Casey, 2000). Moreover, focus groups often facilitate conversation on sensitive or high-involvement topics that people are usually reluctant to Communication of Romantic Relationships 128 talk about (Zeller, 1993). Indeed, focus groups have been used previously in the investigation of dating and sexuality among adolescents and emerging adult groups (Noel, Ogle, Maisto, & Jackson, 2016;Olivari, Confalonieri, & Ionio, 2011;Olivari, Cuccì & Confalonieri, 2017;Regmi, van Teijlingen, Simkhada, & Acharya, 2011

Materials
The focus group schedule was developed by the researchers for a larger study which aimed to explore how emerging adults manage and live their romantic and sexual relationships. We focused our attention on four questions soliciting participants' views on seeking advice and sharing information regarding such relationships: 1) "With whom do you talk about issues concerning the person you have feelings for?" 2) "Do your friends' opinions about the person who you have feelings for matter?" 3) "Do your parents' opinions regarding the person who you have feelings for matter?" 4) "How do you feel when you talk about sexuality? With whom do you speak about it?" We only analyzed the narratives stimulated by these questions.
After the focus-group section, a questionnaire was individually administered to participants in order to collect participants' socio-demographic information (e.g., sex, age) and romantic and sexual experience (e.g., presence of a romantic relationship, length, and sexual activity).

Procedure
All participants provided their written consent to participate and for the tape-recording of the focus-group session. The participants were free to withdraw at any time and they were not compensated for participation.
Tagliabue, Olivari,Giuliani,& Confalonieri 129 Focus groups were conducted in a university suite by researchers with experience in the conduction of focus group, and they lasted for approximately 45 minutes each. Participants were first briefed about the aim of the research. The maintenance of confidentiality was assured by researchers and participants were asked to maintain the confidentiality of others in the group as well. The four questions on the schedule were asked; however, participants were also allowed to discuss the topic area more widely. Researchers emphasized that all responses were welcomed and that no response was considered right or wrong. The sessions were taperecorded and later transcribed verbatim in Italian. The recruitment of participants continued until theoretical saturation was achieved and no other topics emerged during the focus groups. Specifically, we relied on the general notion of data saturation "as the point in data collection and analysis when new information produces little or no change to the codebook" (Guest, Bunce, & Johnson, 2006, pp. 65).

Data Analysis
The transcripts from the focus groups were analyzed using thematic analysis, which is a method for identifying, analyzing, and reporting patterns (i.e., themes) within the data (Braun & Clarke, 2006). The thematic analysis was completed in four steps. First, the researchers familiarized themselves with the text by transcribing the recordings, reading these transcripts thoroughly, highlighting keywords and phrases, and then noting initial ideas. Second, they began the coding process, which involved organizing the data into themes and subthemes.
The three authors first reviewed the transcripts separately and independently to determine the initial themes and subthemes. Subsequently, they met several times to review and reach agreement regarding the themes and subthemes. Third, the researchers reviewed and discussed the themes by reading them again and checking their coherency and consistency with each other and the entire dataset. Finally, the research team met again to define and label the themes and their underlying subthemes and to identify key participant quotations.

Results
Thematic analysis showed that participants, regardless of their sex, had two main interlocutors for issues concerning romantic relationships and sexuality: close friends and parents. Some participants also reported that, for most romantic and sexual issues, dialogue was sought with their romantic partner. Women identified close female friends as their privileged interlocutors. They actively sought out these friends both if they wanted to share information or tell experiences and if they wanted to compare their experiences with others or solicit advice and obtain a different perspective. In contrast, men tended to rely on both male and female friends. In fact, the possibility of speaking with the latter resulted in their actively seeking these individuals out, reporting that they appreciated a female perspective on matters regarding romantic relationships.
Both men and women shared information with friends about sexuality as a general topic. In their experience, sexuality was a theme that could be freely discussed with friends. Speaking about it made participants feel good because they perceived sexuality as a positive experience and a pleasant aspect of their lives. They specified that they never experienced feelings of anxiety or shame during dialogues with friends on this theme.
However, almost all the participants considered their own sexuality and sex life with their partner as part of the private sphere. They reported respecting and paying attention to the privacy of their relationship, rarely telling Communication of Romantic Relationships 130 friends any personal details. Participants said that they kept clear boundaries between social-and relationallevel topics, with the latter being protected and kept private, or shared only with their partner.
In contrast, in matters concerning their romantic relationships, parents, along with friends, played an important role. Participants underlined that mothers were sought for advice on this theme. For both men and women, speaking with their mothers appeared to be easier than speaking with their fathers, because the dialogue was perceived as more fluent and less embarrassing. Participants emphasized that while fathers were sought for other matters, they were generally not sought for matters concerning romantic relationships. Indeed, fathers were frequently updated about participants' romantic experiences by mothers.
Participants reported not engaging in any form of dialogue or advice on sexuality with their parents. In their experience, speaking with parents about this theme was either unnecessary or it made them feel uncomfortable and embarrassed.
Therefore, a variability emerged in the narratives regarding participants' dialogue concerning romantic issues, whereas a unique and coherent picture characterized the narratives regarding sexuality; only the latter topic was considered entirely private at the relational level. It appears to be a difference in the narratives about sexuality and romantic issues: emerging adults' narratives about sexuality are all saying that they do not have problems in speaking with their friends about sexuality as a general theme, but they do not share private information about their sexuality with their partner. No variability in the quotations has been found so that thematic analysis was not able to identify specific themes. On the opposite, a larger variability was found among the narratives about romantic issues. The thematic analysis conducted on romantic issues yielded two main themes: "to seek advice" and "to not seek advice." Each theme comprised several subthemes that corresponded to participants' perception of how they seek or not advice.
During focus group, it is possible that, due to social interactions, an emerging adult changes his/her opinion or adds some details. For these reasons, it is not possible to say that there are two independent categories of people (those who seek and those who do not seek advice). It is better to consider these two main themes as emerging from the social interactions among narratives of the group, in which both are present and characterize the discussion.
In what follows, we provide accurate descriptions of each theme and subtheme by using direct quotations from the focus group participants to better explain emerging adults' perceptions. An interpreter translated the reported quotations from Italian into English, respecting the original verbal expressions related to the discursive context that they were elicited. "I listen and then do it my own way." Finally, some participants' quotations reported that they actively seek dialogue and advice both with friends and parents, but also that it is important that they decide on their own by following their intuition. They recognized that, often, these decisions could bring them to commit mistakes; however, they believed they should experience it independently: Participants felt a need to listen to advice and opinions when they came from mothers. Often, their mothers would ask questions regarding participants' romantic relationships, which signaled their desire to be involved in their sons' and daughters' lives. It emerged from participants' narratives that mothers' solicitation often began during adolescence. Notably, if it was absent during that phase, it did not often begin in adulthood. For participants, without such maternal solicitation in adolescence, it was difficult to self-disclose to mothers during adulthood:

"In my opinion, parents become important interlocutors when they want to; but, they do it right from the start because now I'm 23-years-old and I would not walk up to my parents and tell them about myself.
The fact that she asks questions makes it easier, because I would never talk spontaneously." (Female)

To Not Seek Advice
Some quotations revealed that emerging adults do not share information and do not seek advice from parents and friends. The reasons to do it can be grouped in two different sub-themes.
"I do not need comparison." Some of the emerging adults' quotations stated that, in this specific phase of life, they did not need to begin a dialogue regarding romantic relationships. They reported not feeling the need or the desire to obtain others' advice, which made them not seek it out. They emphasized that decisions and issues related to romantic relationships should be dealt with the partner and not by listening to others' opinions.
Tagliabue, Olivari,Giuliani,& Confalonieri 133 In their experience, each romantic relationship was unique; therefore, only the partners involved could optimally handle those issues: Men reported adopting this attitude when they were living a relationship that they defined as stable and serious.
Most of them referred being led by the desire to keep reflections and feelings regarding the romantic relationship to themselves in order to protect their partner's intimacy: "I need to choose on my own." The need of some participants for personal reflection seemed to be based on the desire to avoid being overly influenced by others' opinions and ideas. In this case, quotations revealed that participants did not engage in a dialogue with or seek advice from friends and parents, as they thought it was necessary to act autonomously: "Even if it means keeping everything to myself and suffer, I prefer to keep everything in because I don't want that hearing another person's opinion to influence me or make me understand I was wrong." (Male)

Communication of Romantic Relationships 134
In some cases, the need to be autonomous made participants assume a rather extreme position that left no space for compromise. In some cases, previous experiences made them believe that paying too much attention to others' advice could be risky for their romantic relationships:

Discussion
This study aimed to explore to whom emerging adults talk about their romantic issues, how they do it and whether there are gender differences. Findings revealed that friends are the main interlocutors of emerging adults (DiIorio et al., 1999;Lefkowitz & Espinosa-Hernandez, 2007) and, for someone, the romantic partner him/herself is the main interlocutor, although also parents, in some circumstances, are perceived as important, especially the mothers (Carlson, 2014;DiIorio et al., 1999;Feldman & Rosenthal, 2000). This finding highlights how the network of close relationships in emerging adulthood is greater than one's family (Amati, Rivellini, & Zaccarin, 2015), and that peers who are living in the same transitional period and probably experiencing the same transitional patterns in romantic relationships function as relevant interlocutors (Collins & Madsen, 2006;Collins & van Dulmen, 2006).
A second important finding was whether and how emerging adults talked about their romantic relationships.
The thematic analyses revealed two general positions: seeking advice or not seeking advice. Previous research similarly found that, although emerging adults talk about different topics with their parents and friends, the frequency of talking about romantic topics is lower and increases in the case of difficulties in the relationship (Carlson, 2014;Vallade et al., 2016). The analysis of the participants' reasons for seeking advice or not, however, provides a more complex picture: some reasons, both within the seeking advice position and the not Tagliabue, Olivari,Giuliani,& Confalonieri 135 seeking advice one, are linked to a desire for independence and autonomy, other reasons are linked to the desire to accept the presence of others and to value their contribution. The desire for independence and autonomy is expressed in the subthemes "I listen and then do it my own way" and "I need to choose on my own", whereas the desire to value others' contribution is expressed in the subthemes "I do not need comparison", "I look for different points of view" and "I treasure other people's words". Specifically, the desire for independence is expressed in the quotations in which emerging adults underlined the necessity of making their own decisions about romantic relationships. Some of them ("I listen and then do it my own way") express the idea that close others were important potential interlocutors; however, it is better to make decisions on their own, regardless of whether they were mistaken, in order to strengthen emerging adults' own capacity for autonomous decision making. In contrast, other quotations ("I need to choose on my own") express the worry about the possibility of being influenced by close others; therefore, emerging adults actively avoided seeking advice. In other words, their preoccupation concerned the possibility of not being able to express their own opinion or make their own decisions, which made them actively avoid comparison with close others whose advice they saw as intrusive, annoying, and out of place.
On the contrary, quotations in which appears a lack of worry about others intrusiveness ("I do not need comparison") or, in which others' contribution is valued because emerging adults are looking for an enriching exchange that could be useful for their autonomous decision-making process ("I look for different points of view" and "I treasure other people's words"), could revealed that emerging adults feel enough independent to be open to others and their contribution. In these cases, emerging adults are not preoccupied to be excessively influenced by others' opinion, and they are able to listen to different points of view and still taking autonomous decisions.
Those two different reasons to seek or not advice can be linked to individuals' autonomy and relatedness needs (Deci & Ryan, 2000), and the developmental process that many emerging adults are facing between individuation and intimacy. Emerging adults who do not want to be influenced by close others, value the importance of their own volition, opinion, and agency in their romantic relationships. They feel the need to stress the importance of their own autonomy, especially regarding their romantic relationships, probably because they are more focused on the transition from the heteronomy of their young life to the autonomy of adult life (Butzel & Ryan, 1997;Kins, Beyers, Soenens, & Vansteenkiste, 2009;Lanz, Tagliabue, Giuliani, Oliveira, & Walper, submitted;Vansteenkiste, Zhou, Lens, & Soenens, 2005).
In contrast, emerging adults who value others' contribution, seem not to be worried about their independence, it could be that they already feel autonomous, and so they also feel to be able to embrace different points of view: they are probably building an "autonomous-related" self (Kagitcibasi, 2005) whereby talking to others about their romantic relationships was not a threat to their volition, but rather an opportunity for enrichment.
A final interesting aspect emerging from narratives regards how and to what extent emerging adults spoke about sexuality. Participants strongly agreed that sexuality is a topic that could be freely discussed, especially among friends, at least speaking about it in a general sense and not referring to their own relationships or romantic partners. Thus, sexuality is not perceived as a taboo topic, supporting previous findings about the fact that people, during the college years, are more open-minded regarding sexuality (Lefkowitz, 2005). However, all participants maintained that the privacy of their own relationship had to be upheld by others, and they preferred not talking about their own sexual experiences, even with close friends. It is possible that emerging Communication of Romantic Relationships 136 adults did not need to discuss or seek advice on this topic, having already completed the process of sexual socialization (i.e., the phase of acquiring sexual knowledge and values) in adolescence (Bleakley, Hennessy, Fishbein, & Jordan, 2009;Ward, 2003). Adolescents, in fact, are committed to acquire their own perspective and attitudes regarding sexual matters and fulfill this task by communicating about sex mainly with their peers (Bleakley et al., 2009;Prinstein & Dodge, 2008).
Few gender differences were found. Women prefer to talk with female friends, whereas males are interested in talking with both male and female friends. A possible explanation could be that female friends are more able to speak about intimate issues, and this would help males, who previous research found to be more in difficulty in talking about these topics (Korobov & Thorne, 2006;Lefkowitz et al., 2004). Another little specificity was found within the subtheme "I do not need comparison": males' quotations revealed that when they are experiencing a stable and serious relationship, they prefer not to talk with friends about the relationship in order to protect their partner's intimacy.
Despite our interesting findings, there were some limitations or specificities to note. First, the small sample limits the level to which the findings can be generalized. Second, the themes emerged from focus-groups, a research method that allowed us to explore a sensitive topic, however individual interviews or quantitative studies could provide a different picture of the findings. Third, we were interested in the Italian situation because of the lack of studies within this country; therefore, the findings may not be generalizable to other socio-cultural contexts. Moreover, no formal cross-cultural research has been conducted on seeking advice on romantic relationships. Future research should investigate possible cultural differences with regard to these themes. Furthermore, future quantitative studies could investigate whether the reasons for seeking advice are linked with autonomous and relatedness needs in order to confirm or reject our interpretation regarding the reasons expressed in the quotations of the present study.
Overall, our findings indicate that the way that emerging adults seek advice about their romantic and sexual relationships is linked with the transitional phase they are experiencing. In other words, it connects with their developmental changes toward the acquisition of adulthood and psychosocial maturity.

Funding
The authors have no funding to report.