Narrative Inquiry in Bioethics

When I was a young boy and teenager there was no indication that I would live with a mental health condition the remainder of my adult life. I had several friends and I was the goalie on the varsity hockey team that ranked fourth in the state of Massachusetts. My competiveness fostered through athletics would later bode me well as I would face seemingly insurmountable odds against the symptoms of my mental illness. Alcoholism and mental illness were both present in my childhood home.

Upon graduating from high school I travelled around Europe on a Eurail Pass. My brother was in the Air Force and stationed in Germany. I used his house as a base to travel off to different countries every week. It was the most exciting time of my life. I loved everything about Europe, the food, the cleanliness, the history. I even fell in love with a woman who was going to the American College in Paris. My life seemed perfect.

One day the woman I was in love with told me that she had feelings for me but we could never have a life together because I was not “ambitious” enough. I could see her point. She saw a young man travelling around Europe with a backpack. After we broke up, I tried different ways to live in Europe. I got a job washing dishes on an Air Force base and even got an apartment. This proved too much for me so I returned home to my parent’s house. [End Page 15]

The States seemed so depressing compared to Europe. All the junk food, crime and dirt started to get to me. At home I felt like I was going backwards in my confidence. I was slipping into something that I could not identify at the time. I found a solution, which was to move out of my parent’s house.

I got a job as a bartender at a famous bar in a large city. It was the most popular bar in the city. Working there was prestigious. I could have had as many girlfriends as I wanted to but chose not to. I did date but I dated a quiet and reserved woman. Things were going along great but I started to gradually feel myself slipping again. I met a hairdresser who managed to convince me that all the people I was working with at the bar were evil and that I should leave. She introduced me to the Bible. I quit working at the bar and it was perhaps one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made. Everybody there treated me like I was special. Nobody ever treated me so nicely before or after that experience.

Now I had no job and no anchor inside to hold onto. I felt myself drifting further and further away inside myself. I would read philosophy and religious books constantly. Schopenhauer, Nietzsche, Saint Thomas Aquinas, Plato, Socrates. I found comfort in their writings. I would hang out at the library reading their works all day. I tried several attempts at other work but I was distracted by my thoughts. When I was working at the bar I exhibited high-level interpersonal skills. Now I couldn’t relate to anybody or anything. It was very scary and I had no idea what was going on.

I was reading Freud one day and many of the things he was writing I could relate to in terms of my struggles. For some reason I got all that Freud-speak and loved it. I made the decision to see a Psychiatrist and Therapist for the first time. My first experience with the mental health system was at a clinic in my city. My intake consisted of being in a room with several people. It felt odd because I knew I was struggling but it couldn’t be this serious. The Chief Psychiatrist asked me a series of questions as everybody else listened. I guess the others were in their Residency. I started to explain my current experience. I had a lot of existential stuff going on, wondering why I am here, and...