Distressing experiences of Chinese schooling winners: School infiltration in Chinese family parenting

Abstract School infiltration is an important aspect of family parenting research in recent years. This study reexamines the evaluation mechanism of higher education access path to explore the feelings of schooling winners (also Gaokao winners). Different from stratified education’s understanding of family authority, this study proposes to deconstruct the rough understanding of stratified type, presenting a more historical and life-sense process of education acquisition and family parenting mode permeated by school education. This paper mainly uses the method of narrative analysis to explore the family parenting experiences of eight successful participants in higher education. The study found that Chinese family parenting was heavily influenced by schooling. Through discipline, empathy, and home-school cooperation, families reinforce the ideals and goals of schooling (high scores) in the field outside the school. Thus, participants expressed negative views and feelings about teachers, classmates and families. After completing the admission examination of higher education, some participants take the initiative to try to repair the relationship and adjust themselves to reach a reconciliation; Others are still growing up in the distressing experience.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Song's research includes the Criminology, Deviance, and the sociology of education, focusing on the experience of marginality and plasticity in groups. Ren's research focuses on social trust, gender differences, and equality in education, and especially on the allocation of resources in education. This study was conducted from October 2019 to January 2020 in the field at the University of XM. First of all, six interviewees were recruited through open recruitment, and two of them chose to withdraw in the middle. All participants know the purpose of the research and the content of distressing experiences before participation and have the right to refuse to answer and withdraw at any time. After two rounds of recommendation in a snowballing way, we have interviewed a total of 12 XM University students at different stages of education. This study further enriches the practical manifestations of family parenting in China, exploring the process of and interpreting the individual feelings and changes of children under family parenting.

PUBLIC INTEREST STATEMENT
Education has the role of transforming and reorganizing social resources, especially as those who succeed in schooling will achieve class, sociability, and cultural dimensions after advanced studies in higher education. Success in schooling requires two important aspects, the school, and the family, but it is still worth exploring whether family parenting is independent and what role it plays. Our research has found that family parenting in China has been influenced by school education. Families reinforce and perpetuate the ideals and goals of schooling (high scores) in areas other than school through discipline, empathy, and home-school cooperation. It has led to children achieving success in schooling but also expressing persistent distressing feelings towards their teachers, peers, and families as a result. Some respondents are actively trying to repair relationships and expect reconciliation; others are still carrying this lack of parenting and relationship conflicts growing in anguish.

Introduction
Education is one of the primary ways to create kinds of social reproduction. It is related to not only long-term development and happiness at the individual level but also a critical production path to improve the quality of the country's labor force and innovation capabilities (Bourdieu, 1986;Heckman, 2011;Chu, 2007;Gao, 2016;Jinfang Chen & Wan, 2016). However, the realization process of education is not accomplished overnight. It has undergone long-term and fluctuating adjustments and repairs. Education is not a fixed and completely autonomous closed body, but an ecological domain affected by multiple systems and ethics. Therefore, the educational practice path and field are quite complex and diverse. Primary education is concerned, and research usually focuses on two types of realization paths: school education and family parenting. They complement each other and point to the ultimate goal: the university entrance examination's winners.
The entrance examination for higher education in China is called the Gaokao 1 . According to statistics from the Chinese Education Ministry, the number of high school students in 2019 totaled 39.949 million, of which Regular Senior Secondary Schools accounted for 60.4%, totaling 24.143 million. In 2019, the number of Regular Senior Secondary Schools graduates was 7.89 million. The number of undergraduate entrants in higher education was 4.31million, which means that only 54.6% of students can enter higher education after Gaokao. Behind this fierce competition, school education and family parenting are essential supporting forces. Because of the abundant research on school eductaion and family educating studies are relatively lackluster, this article will focus on family parenting, especially, consider it in the family-school relationship. Moreover, many studies believe that family background has a more significant impact on children's academic performance and development than school education (Cheadle, 2009;Coleman et al., 1966;Guo & Zhang, 2015;Irena et al., 2015;Sewell et al., 1969).

Two interpretation models for family parenting
Family parenting has always attracted the attention of academic scholars, and there are long-term research traditions. Western researcher studies have taken the middle class as the dividing line to explain the relationship between education's stratification and the acquisition of knowledge and the class's reproduction. It is believed that the middle class is more comfortable to adapt to society (Lareau, 1989(Lareau, , 2002, and the disadvantaged classes can also enhance the possibility of intergenerational mobility by their education (Amato & Fowler, 2002.Parenting); Di Maggio, 1982;Tian, 2019). Although Chinese scholars also pays attention to the role of education in generations, discussing the relationship between "class-family parenting style" and "family parenting style-education acquisition" (Li & Zheng, 2017;Liu et al., 2015;Liu et al., 2014;Tian & Jing, 2018b;Xinyi Chen & Liu, 2013). They were combining Bourdieu's habituation, Simmel's fashion, Baudrillard's consumer society, and other theories to explain the complexity of the two chain relationships (Hong & Zhao, 2014;Hu, 2017;Xiong, 2017;Tian & Yang, 2019). Regarding the differences in stratified education as a presupposition, understanding family parenting in the Chinese context is a mainstream entry point for interpretation. However, this type of thinking simplifies the historical and complex background of the development of Chinese strata.
In China, family education reflects parents' and even a family's expectations for their children's future. It is a way to cultivate upward social mobility. Furthermore, it is the shadow of the social system and structure projected on the family. Such a family parenting carries a heavy meaning, and it is also worthy of deep-seated dismantling, analysis, and reorganization. The research on family parenting is mainly manifested in two aspects: On the one hand, it distinguishes specific family parenting from the interpretation path, which is known for sociological research (Liao & Xiao, 2017). Sociologists represented by Annette Lareau and others divide family upbringing into classes. Middle-class families tend to adopt cooperative training while the working class prefers to use the parenting strategy of natural growth and cooperative training. Compared with natural growth, it is more conducive to children's academic success (Lareau, 2003;Tian, 2019); China has explored the local context along with this division. (Tian and Jing 2018a; also see Tian, F, 2019) added the nurturing concept's dimension to Lareau's class education framework to explain family parenting in the Chinese context. Liu (2019) also found that families of different strata have differentiated and multi-generational parenting practices, and the family's class background and parenting practices also affect their children's academic achievements. Although influenced by the educational system and other macro-institutional arrangements, the stratification of family parenting in China is different from Lareau's discovery. However, the core of the two types of research is still to distinguish family parenting by stratum.
On the other hand, it is to continue the analytical path paradigm, focusing on the impact of parenting methods on student development, especially in psychological research (Liao & Xiao, 2017), dedicated to finding the relationship between the variables. For example, measuring factors such as parenting beliefs, parenting practices (Ekaterina & Muzhi, 2021;De Talancé, 2020), and parenting styles (Portillo et al., 2021) on students' performance in school, including academic achievement, self-regulation, dangerous behaviors, social skills (Reardon, 2019), etc. For example, measuring factors such as parenting beliefs, parenting practices, and parenting styles on students' performance in school, including academic achievement, self-regulation, dangerous behaviors, social skills, etc. Most studies finally show that authoritative parenting styles, parents' participation, support, and attachment are significantly related to students' better performance (Trussell & Shaw, 2012;Zhou, 2015). Specifically, Pan and Zhu (2019) start from the four measurement dimensions of anonymity, compliance, openness, and altruism in the conceptual dimensional structure of pro-social behavior, to investigate the impact of parental rearing styles on adolescents' pro-social behavior. Niu et al. (2019) investigated the developmental characteristics of mental toughness in children aged 3 to 5. They explored the relationship between temperament, parental rearing styles, and young children's mental toughness, examining parental rearing styles' mediating role. Peijia's (2014), Lan (2019) research presents the existing research orientation and process of family parenting. It provides useful insights for in-depth exploration of family parenting methods in China. The weaknesses are also obvious: The division of parenting methods is deeply imprinted by class. However, the picture of Chinese family parenting methods is quite diverse. Constructing a class parenting model with a binary division method simplifies the family framework in the educational context, and clear distinctions obliterate the continuity and comprehensiveness of family parenting (Xi, 2021). Family parenting should not only show obvious class distinctions. The family parenting adopted by a workingclass family may have both the middle class's characteristics and the working class itself (Yan et al., 2021). It may also show a parenting style without any class feature. Therefore, we should not excessively extend the Western stratum model of family parenting. The ordering of the Western family parenting model depends on the continuous class position structure in social development. However, due to historical reasons, there are apparent class fractures in China. Therefore, we should consider the specific Chinese history, education, and family circumstances regarding education's class distinctions (Yi, 2020).

The relationship of family and school education: Infiltration
The discussion of family parenting has been closely related to school education. David Baker used the ideas of Daniel Bell and John Meyer in The Schooled Society as the foundation. It shows how school education and its logic penetrate and construct the elements of modern life.
Baker is very concerned about the essential power of school education, rather than attributing the entire process to the power of capitalism or socialism, social class, state or technology, etc. Quoting Meyer's point of view (Meyer, 2008), he believes that the modern organizational structure of society incorporates legitimated bodies of knowledge by incorporating school-approved personnel (p. 121). They bring the habits of thought and behavior into society, thereby changing social relations and social organization. From this we can see how the "school-society" influence path unfolds. Baker denies that education is a means for the privileged class to multiply. He believes that education ensures that every generation will be smarter and more capable than the one preceding it. In this process, an invisible force (family) also participates in school education.
However, Baker is still mainly concerned with the integration and function of the educational system and the social system, rather than giving a rich explanation of the sub-subjects outside the school, such as family. Therefore, this article believes that to explain the role of school education, we need to pay attention to how school education captures the family parenting, how this infiltration is manifested, and how families play a role in achieving education gains and achieving better generations.
So for school education, what are the criteria for "acquisition" and "excellence"? Baker writes: "Over a relatively short . . . Period, education has approached worldwide acceptance as the one appropriate and legitimate playing field on which to compete for merit" (p. 183). we can completely take it in the East Asian environment and understand it as score. So we further clarify the research content of this article, how the merit education of school education infiltrations into the family. What is the (bad) impact of what the family is doing to achieve good grades and competitive advantage?
In addition, Mehta and Davies (2018) pointed out that the research on education's sociology has a lot to do. Unlike the booming higher education literature, there is almost no severe sociology academic to evaluate primary and secondary schools with a basic standard: Do they provide students with a comprehensive and robust capability education? Secondly, there is no extensive thinking about how learners' more diverse backgrounds can reshape the school's long-term vision. It means that in addition to explaining the relationship between parenting methods and school education, we need to carefully consider the long-term impact of school education penetration on family parenting, and this situation lacks systematic empirical research. Supplements to this field will enable primary and secondary schools to cultivate secondary school education and family parenting in a more systematic way It is presented in an organic and organic way, and it is understood from multiple angles whether students have obtained a comprehensive ability education in this process.
Thus, this research will focus on how the power of school education infiltrates and is accepted in the family parenting process, and how family parenting brings about the feelings and impacts of the participants. Ultimately, this study aims to achieve two objectives: first, to re-examine the impact of primary and secondary education on student formation and higher education assessment (through the perspectives of personal experience); second, to expand the "school-society" pathway of influence and explore what thinking and behaviors are influenced by the "school-family-society" path.

Methods and field situation
The research method and process of this paper reflect that we should start from a specific cultural and social context (Clifford & Marcus, 1986) and get rid of the myth of objective neutrality of researchers. At the same time, under the heterogeneous family parenting style and homogeneous education system, we inevitably form an epistemological perspective of observation and understanding, as well as an interactive model-We are in it, it is inevitable that there will be empathy and empathic understanding.
From October 2019 to January 2020, we conducted field participatory observations at XM University, which is located in Xiamen City, Fujian Province, and was established in 1921. It is a higher education institution with 985, 211, and double first-class projects(one gernal government standards to evaluate the level of universities). It ranks 15-23 among the comprehensive national universities and the 1st in Fujian Province. In the past three years, college entrance examination scores ranged from 600 to 650 (total score 750) depending on the regional differences. 2 Students who have the opportunity to study in this level of university meet the expectations of most Chinese people that higher education can produce talent for the country. Schools give students a lot of choice. Therefore, students studying in XM University have high autonomy and decision-making ability, which enables students to have a clear plan for their future development direction.

Procedure
First of all, six interviewees were recruited through open recruitment, and two of them chose to withdraw in the middle. We follow the research ethics, participants know the purpose of the research and the content of distressing experience prior to participation and have the right to refuse to answer and withdraw at any time, information and data of participants who choose to withdraw will be destroyed and never used in the research.
Some new participants were recommended by four interviewers in a snowballing way. After two rounds of recommendation, this study has interviewed a total of 12 XM University students at different stages of education. Most (eight members) were introduced by the original interviewers (four members). They were classmates or friends at XM University, allowing me to get in touch with diverse backgrounds. Details in Table 1.
These interviewees have different family backgrounds and geographical locations, including six in the eastern region, four in the central area, and two in the western area. In the end, a total of 200 thousand words of interview materials were harvested. After collating the interview materials and information, we selected 8 interviewees who are representative in terms of family parenting, understanding of the education system, and interactive strategies. The eight interviewees were between 18-24 years old, four boys and four girls each, involving undergraduate and graduate students. The overall family background includes wealth and risk management. Wealth is scored on a scale of 0 to 100, which is a participant's assessment of fixed and liquid assets (50 is the standard for middle-income households); risk management is a relatively subjective assessment of the extent to which the household responds positively to risk issues and makes an effort to cope.

Data analysis
For the information collected from the data, we mainly used three analytical stages: data reduction, data display and conclusion drawing. Data reduction is the process of condensing, summarizing, and classifying identified items in the information data base to eliminate any data, which could not serve the purpose of our research questions. To get data reduction, all of the transcripts were read more times to clearly understand the context. Significant sentences(with feelings or repeats words) were selected as important ideas. Next, the researcher categorized the given opinions, relevant phrases, words, and sentences of the validation criteria. Data display points that the process of displaying data visually using various methods. Qualitative data can be displayed using words' charts. But I prefer to present the data association found in qualitative analysis as type set by way of story clues and type induction. And I found some imperceptibly critical points in a path and the major decision points in the way of flow chart. Thereafter, the data is ready for drawing conclusions.

Analysis framework
After sorting, cleaning, summarizing, and analyzing the data, we built an analytical framework based on the "schooling infiltration process" and "family parenting and children's feelings".
This framework was designed to help us organize the data and make logical deductions from the research questions ( Figure 1). Figure 1 presents the influence of schooling on family education during the process of infiltration, where both positive and negative features of the infiltration process are present. We present how schooling winners evaluate and confess the feelings (especially distressing perspective) brought by the infiltrated family parenting and their corresponding behaviors.

Features of family parenting under school infiltration: Norm, empathy, and cooperation
Combining the permeability theory of school education and using it as the background portrays the family parenting features in the personal life course. It presents the dynamic cultivation and shaping mechanism of the education pattern through the interviewee's narrative reconstruction logic. The parenting concept and education system requirements in family parenting are dynamic and mutually constructive. How parenting concepts play a role in parenting is to formulate family norms that children need to abide by and use discipline discourse to guide children to form basic ethical cognition. Reach the resonance of family emotions and feelings in life, and form value judgments by infecting children in empathic situations through consistent emotions. The way the education system requires to play a role in the family context is through home-school collusion. Moreover, the basis of home-school cooperation (Valentin, 2012) lies in the common understanding of the rigid standards of performance and the meaning of higher education in the assessment system.
The concept of family parenting is used to measure the family's parenting concept (Tian, 2018, Tian, 2019. It can also be regarded as a concept or value formed by a mixture of parental educational experience, life experience, and personal experience. Therefore, the idea of nurturing focuses more on the cultivation of children's behavior and ethics. When I was a kid, I loved to get into trouble, so I was rather skinny, but my parents just cannot let me lie. They can forgive me for any big mistakes I made, but if I want to lie . . . (AreKe, 2019a) My mother did not want me to make any specific friends but just wanted me to go out more and then to contact people. That way, yes! In terms of numbers, it might just want me to see the outside world more. However, tell me to pay attention to safety, yes! Then do not be deceived (Alei, 2019A) We do not talk too much. I chat with my mollies because she likes to refute you. If he disagrees with you, he will directly deny you, and then I do not want to continue talking about this sentence. (Qianqian, 2019A) What AreKe remembers still is the ethical requirement that his parents set up the prohibition of "lie". He said that he never lies to his parents, even if he were fighting or skipping school, lie was more serious. Interestingly, in the three behaviors of lying, fighting, and skipping school, whether it has the worst impact or the most worrying behavior, deception is not the most severe problem. Still, the requirements of this ethical rule are essential and untouchable in the AreKe's family cordon. Alei has good interpersonal skills, but this ability is not innate. Her single mother hopes that her daughter will have more contact with people, making friends widely broaden her horizons. "Safety and don't be deceived" is Alei's family rule to avoid her daughter being trapped in a single-parent family. Qianqian has a language rule in family communication. The denial and evaluation of his parents shorten the effective communication between the two generations. Under the rebuttal and denial, Qianqian gradually develops a weak but kind-hearted character. In family meetings, she always makes herself transparent as much as possible. In contrast, Qianqian's younger brother is always affirmed. He knew all family affairs and speak freely at family meetings. So maybe Qianqian families implicitly include the traditional rule of "preferring boys to girls." Lee (20022002) regards family norms as one of the crucial latitudes for intergenerational unity. In practice, the order laws of family norms restrict the offspring's behavior and social interactions. On the other hand, it continues to ethical parents' nurturing concepts subtly strengthen their family authority status in intimate relationships.
Also, emotional resonance is essential for maintaining a family union and implementing education (Vern et al., 2002). Emotional resonance is a way that is continuously strengthened in practice along with the gradual "declining parental authority", "awakening of individual consciousness", and "increasing power of young people" in the modern family development (Yan & Yang, 2017). Empathy allows the two generations to reach a relatively consistent ethical value in solving practical problems and understanding family suffering.
When I was young, I always thought that we were poor I heard how much my parents spent together and felt that terrible finance for the family. Every time I gave pocket money, thinking frugality is necessary. Later, I gradually developed a concept of money and realized that it was not as bad as I thought, but the habit formed at that time is not easy to change. (Yiyi, 2019B) I think every child will observe and analyze the emotional state of their parents. For example: When my parents are very angry, they will call me by my full name, their voices are raised high, and their faces are angry.They and I express our dissatisfaction with my aunt together. My aunt is snobbish and greedy for petty and cheap. (Chenchen, 2019B) My mother always is shouting. she does not say anything, but the situation is obvious, the tone of voice is unmistakable. There may be three or four ways to call me with different temperaments. such as calling my full name, that means the bad things I did were discovered by them. My dad usually has a lot of words and a very humorous character, but as long as he is a little bit angry, It became too silent, and it was like changing individuals all at once. (AreKe, 2019B) Yiyi feels the family's economic situation and understands the plight of parents emotionally. Even if there is no exact discourse requirement, she can restrain its economic behavior and form the thrift quality. The non-clearly regulated ethical values in the parent-child relationship are implemented through emotional resonance. In addition to non-parental willing, passive subjective perception, parents will also release active emotions to make children feel and understand emotional resonance. In Chenchen's family, parents are accustomed to sharing difficulties and trivial matters and sharing interpersonal holidays and dissatisfaction with their children. In the process of understanding dissatisfaction and emotional precipitation, the children have established the value orientation of "I do not value petty gains like my aunt." Therefore, Chenchen's family empathy is mainly reflected in the two generations' mutual relief of the family environment and a common goal.
AreKe's family is empathetic, and he is more inclined to express and transmit emotions. AreKe described how he perceives the emotional changes of his parents. In his language habitus, his mother calls him the full Uyghur name (  ‫ئ‬  ‫ا‬  ‫ر‬  ‫ا‬  ‫ف‬  ‫ا‬  ‫ت‬  ‫ھ‬  ‫ى‬  ‫م‬  ‫ى‬  ‫ت‬ ) . Often full of anger and dissatisfaction, if his father changed his usual humor to silence, AreKe would immediately reflect on himself.
Parents convey emotions flexibly so that their children can sharply perceive the matter's seriousness and take the lead in self-reflection. Both active and passive empathy is used by parents to strengthen family norms and ethical values. Family parenting, using norms and empathy methods, can be implemented in atomic families with certain commonalities. As explained by Yan and Yang (2017), this implementation process is centripetal. It encourages family members to work hard to achieve the common goal: to cultivate a child who can bear the entire family's hopes. The family capital will flow to the offspring. They present a downward-type familyism model, which is often the concrete essence of the general narrative of family parenting and parenting concepts.
However, the parenting concept that supported family parenting has gradually lost its influence on children's independence and privatization as children enter primary education and achieve continuous advancement. The goal of assuming the hopes of the whole family becomes socialized. The standards of success, the expectations of class change and maintenance, are internalized into general goals through the education system, and ultimately help parents refine "family hope" indicators. Achieving higher education and accumulating capital from prestigious schools have become social standards for family hopes.
Xiaofeng (interviewee H) deeply felt the impact of the educational system's performance requirements on family parenting. Xiaofeng, whose family background is average, his father did not return from working in other cities all year round, and his mother kept reading with him on and off.
The whole family expects that Xiaofeng can achieve the rise of class through the college entrance examination and improve his social status through famous schools' capital. Xiaofeng, who has not felt the family's care and warmth for a long time, cherishes the mother's expectation. Good grades have also become the glory he desires. Behind this glory are the affirmation and more attention of his parents. However, with too much burden on him, he is destined to fall into deep self-denial and condemnation because of occasional poor performance. Even the psychological pressure during the exam is enormous, and it is challenging to perform typically.
My mother made me feel very uncomfortable and grateful for what I did, but she did not understand at all. Thinking about the problem from my perspective made me very sad. I feel that work very hard. I want to get this grade right. Then the teacher found the mother, and he said: 'Look at (your son) who got 46 in the test, (my school) is the local (ranked) 2 nd . I do not know how many 46 score will be ranked in the whole class in middle school. The city and the province do not know where to go. I (the teacher) tells you that he will not pass the exam.' He predicted that all outcome that failed the test. I (Xiaofeng) was not convinced, especially after my mother came back. She agreed the teacher. However, I went to Suzhou University, at least 211 (A school that ranks well in Chinese universities). (Xiaofeng, 2019A).
After the announcement of the final results of the second year of high school, Xiaofeng, who ranked last in the class, revealed that his mother's disappointment brought him strong self-denial and resentment. Parents and teachers have reached a unified position in the school and the family, and "cooperate" to implement children's performance in supervision and inspection and communication of educational expectations. The parents will implement the views and opinions expressed by the teacher in the family. Scores kidnap the chain of mutual affirmation between "parents and children". In the face of higher education assessment standards, unsatisfactory grades seem to mean failed family parenting. Families that originally completed their education independently have gradually become attached to the school education system and the entire education system (Song, 2020), becoming the "last mile" to implement higher education.
Family and school together working, called family-school cooperation in many studies-integrates family parenting and school education (Song, 2020;Wang, 2015;Wu & Zhang, 2019;Yang, 2006;Zhang et al., 2018). In the China context, this integration ultimately belongs to the entire education system. Due to the vast national base and the college entrance examination system's strictness, parents' subjectivity in this school system is gradually disappearing and missing (Guo & Zhang, 2015). As a result, the parenting concept initially dominated by parents is also concealed in the entire family parenting method, and the requirements of the education system are increasingly strengthened in the family parenting model under the dual influence of parents and teachers. Therefore, the interaction between students and family parenting is, to a certain extent, interaction with the education situation combing parental and teacher.

Long-term impact: School infiltration and distressing experience
If judging from the existing research on the education situation, the eight in-depth interviewers will participate in the social competition as students of prestigious schools in a few years. The prestigious schools will become an excellent educational capital. Students' achievements in social aspects such as career gains, class changes, and income status continue to interact, continue and develop with the education system and parenting methods, further influencing their next generation in the future. However, only focusing on the social aspect ignores students' gains or losses as individuals. The long-term effects of parenting methods cannot be shown by acquiring a particular occupation or a certain number's income. More worthy of our discussion is the expression, interpretation, and reflection of individuals who have been in this training logic for a long time.
Among the eight interviewees, when talking about parenting style and past parenting experience, the emotions of silence, sadness, and anger dominate these young people wrapped in excellence and praise. An interviewer directly presented the early family parenting style with trauma. This distressing experience is not the feeling of an interviewee. It becomes more apparent as the grade increases. While the interviewees understood the distressing experience, we found that they were also seeking reconciliation with their parents, teachers, classmates, and even themselves.

I was so afraid of "Teacher" and shaking!
Tolerating bullying and humiliation from teachers is a distressing experience in Xiaofeng's memory, choking hard to describe. Parents went out to work, once took care of Xiaofeng to his aunt and grandparents and paid specific remunerationFollowing the teacher's words and deeds, Xiaofeng began to silently bear the teacher's prejudice and dissatisfaction from kindergarten and elementary school. Around 2000, the educational environment in backward county towns was very realistic. The social survival rules of trust relationship and background penetrated kindergartens. As a small peak of left-behind children, they were naturally not valued and continued to bear the double oppression of external and internal violence.
On the second day, a small essay will be handed in. We will go to (the podium) one by one, read it for everyone, and then the teacher will comment. When I went up, he said that my composition was too bad, the report was too ugly, and what kind of tongue-in-cheek language . . . was even more hideous, and our dialect was very harsh. More importantly, he slapped me, slapped me, and threw my notebook directly outside the door (Xiaofeng, 2019A) External violence mainly refers to violence that directly affects the body. Xiaofeng told his grandparents, who had been slapped because of his homework, then the grandparents downplayed the teacher's slap in the field. They accused Xiaofeng of imprecise behavior, which ultimately made Xiaofeng deeply understand and fear the teacher's authority and penetrating power. In addition to being directly regarded as the object of external violence, Xiaofeng witnesses external violence in class every day.

My deskmate is a dirty, sloppy, short girl. When she spoke to the teacher. Teacher Zhang directly picked up her hair. She was tiny, did you know? I don't know how to describe it. She is off the ground, and her feet are hanging in the air, you know? If you saw her at that time, it would be amusing. The teacher, like a clown, picked the child up. Then, teacher, I (Xiaofeng) talked non-sense at all, continually shaking (her), I remember very clearly (Xiaofeng, 2019B).
Compared with slapping, the violence suffered by the girls at the same table is more humiliating. Xiaofeng still tremblingly describes the tablemates who were caught with their hair raised. He added sadly that there was only the roar of the teacher in the classroom at that time. No people dare to stand up against it. The actual violence suffered, and the family's repeated emphasis on obedience made Xiaofeng more fearful. He often shivered because of the teacher's violent mood, always worrying that he would be the damaging target.
In addition to external violence, Xiaofeng also endured mild internal violence in terms of language and treatment. Inner violence is manifested in two ways: differentiated treatment and verbal satire, which continuously destroys Xiaofeng's inner self-awareness. At a parent meeting, which is a kind of communication way that teacher will judge the performance of students to their parents. He was treated differently and vilified by language because his parents were out, and his grandparents were unwilling to participate.

The teacher gave the parents a towel or something, but I didn't get it. Because my parents didn't come, the teacher didn't send it to me and used the (Qidong) dialect swear word to speak ill of our family. (Xiaofeng 2019B)
Internal violence also occurred in the course. Once Xiaofeng wanted to go to toilet, he was suddenly became anxious and raised his hand as the teacher requested. However, when the teacher learned why he raised his hand, he scolded: "Is there a sense of discipline, school comes to class, do not make such an unreasonable request." He put down his hands in silence, endured the rid-icule of his classmates and the scorn of the teacher, held back until the end of getting out of class, and cried bitterly in the toilet.
For eight years, mainly in kindergartens and elementary schools, Xiaofeng has al-ways completed his studies carefully in the joint family parenting model of external violence, internal violence, and family inaction. Until today, he barely said, "When dealing with elders, especially teachers and mentors, he dares not say much. When asked, he will be subconsciously nervous and afraid. If he makes a mistake, even if it is not a significant matter, he will be worried for a long time". This kind of high-pressure and intense training experience destroyed Xiaofeng's social communication skills with his elders and superiors and made him more afraid of teachers' professional group.

I can hardly trust "classmates"
Being betrayed, ostracized, and isolated by classmates, Ruoruo admits that this is a distressing experience that she dares not get too close to her classmates. As mentioned in the previous, she is raised by the family to become an advantage winner in the education competition. The cultivation of this sense of dominance en-courages Ruoruo to show enthusiasm in learning and class activities. However, although teachers deeply love this kind of positivity, "girls in the class always whisper to me behind their backs, especially in junior high and high school." There is an underlying rule in Ruoruo's class or most middle and high school classes that people with good grades will do more. "pasting cellophane on the window will be assigned to people with good scores" As a result, grades are transformed into daily life and become the core standard of class affairs. All kinds of activities will be completed by a small group of people with good grades. Other groups with poor performance will be separated and concentrate on learning. In Ruoruo's opinion, "Even though I look down on those trivial things in my heart and don't want to do it occasionally, I still have to do it. It is an honor. In your bones, you will feel as if I still accept this kind of performance rules, but there are superiority makes me very happy." The combination of family parenting for the pursuit of superiority and good grades rules makes Ruoruo gradually be jealous by other female students in the class, and the fuse incident is sticking window paper.

On New Year's Eve, boys with good grades will be arranged (by the teacher) to do cleaning, mopping the floor, etc., while girls mainly do the window paper, so it is arranged for me. However, my focus is on my superiority, and I do not care whether other people are upset. I admit that I am a very selfish person. Yes, I tend to pay attention to myself. Others think (me) is an unreasonable person. However, I did not do anything outrageous. I just gave a command like this and told someone how to do it, but they were unhappy. Later the teacher criticized me (Ruoruo, 2019A)
This command behavior has always produced persistent negative results, especially after the monthly exams, midterm exams, and final exams. Ruoruo's grades dropped severely and dropped from the top 20 in the rank to the 80. Changes in performance have broken Ruoruo's sense of superiority. The female classmate in the class secretly laughed at her as "still a top student with good grades." I feel that these teachers in the school have a strange vision and Snobbery. Yes, he called me outside and scolded me. It was a shameful shame. I cried at the time and felt very shameful. Really!" (Ruoruo, 2019A) Ruoruo has shared the experience of rejection with his parents to adjust his turbulent self. However, her parents think that "the relationship with classmates is not good, and their academic performance has fallen again, which disappoints them. A truly outstanding person should be able to handle this content." Ruoruo quickly strengthened his self-identity, "With this negative experience, Instead of denying myself, I began to deny others. I started a resistance model." A strong self-identity requires a set of debugging plans that can relieve the inner anxiety when questioned, achieving to external attacks.
My rebellion is a kind of protection consciousness, a protection mechanism. I do not attack internally, but attack others externally. If I cannot get this thing that I agree with, I will attack externally, but I will be tortured internally, but I also admit. It is the others who tormented more. (Ruoruo 2019A) It's hard to trust classmates, friends, and peers. Perhaps it is not the most painful place for Ruoruo. She always use aggressive expressions to balance the inner self's turbulence, still fortify in the interpersonal, protect oneself, and strengthen oneself-moreover, the continuous consequence always brought by the distressing sense.

Never really understand family
The family arranges the children's learning path as smoothly as possible and will not let them touch other affairs if necessary. Regardless of whether the family is well-established or not, the eight interviewees remained at a stage where they had little understanding of family income and family relationships before or after the college entrance examination. During the transfer to Shanghai to study, Yiyi had always mis-understood the family economy. She said: When I first started, I always felt that home was in a state of being inaccessible. Because my mother likes to nag me that our family has no money, but (now I know) it is not to that extent. Now she told me that the previous situation was frugal. It was not clear why he liked to complain about money, which caused me to spend money considering the family's financial situation all the time. When you buy something, you may first look at the quality, but the first thing I care about is the price. When I repurchased it, mother would often nag about the use of this thing, and it was all her money. However, to be honest, she only really talked to me about the family situation in elementary school when I am in college. It seems that I can lead a relatively prosperous life, and she disciplined my consumption concept and even wholly changed (Yiyi, 2019B).
Yiyi's narrative is a bit annoying because his parents deliberately concealed it and did not realize the family's financial situation until after college. However, under the long-term influence, Yiyi has inherited and continued his parents' conservative consumption concept. This conventional consumption concept is precise what Yiyi tries to change after receiving higher education and experiencing real life. When she associates her unavailable and stingy behaviors with insecurity or money anxiety, she is at a loss for a while.
I cannot resent my family for this. They love me very much except for this aspect (referring to the family economy). Later I thought about the family upbringing I had received. My mother often used "persecution" education, which may have caused me further insecurity. I do not know what I can do after I known it. By the way, My only financial management ability is saving (Yiyi,2019B) My brother is the only channel of information for family after I have drifted for a few years, and I have obtained trivial things about the family from him, especially the bad news. For example, some disputes occurred in my hometown's land, yes, and then our family quarreled fiercely with other families. I did not know about this. Later, my brother secretly told me that he had already provided dad advice. Moreover, I still do not know anything, until now. (Qianqian, 2019B) In addition to Yiyi's statement from the family economic level that "I have never really understood my home", Qianqian's unfamiliarity with the family is mainly manifested in the family neighbor relationship.
The land dispute was an essential argument for the Qianqian family, and as a result, the Qianqian family only gained a small part of the benefits. When she was studying in the county seat, Qianqian was kept in the dark until the end of the matter before learning the whole story. From this, Qianqian commented on his family with strangeness.
Similar things were also mentioned in the exchanges with other interviewers. AreKe is not clear why the family relationship is awkward; Xiaofeng only now knows the work patterns and types of parents going out to work; Chenchen has not yet dared to explore the reason why parents divorced. In addition to studying, they either watched the development of the family or were blinded in a utopia. The beginning of higher education burst these illusory bubbles in an instant.

Reconciliation: Repair relationships, self-adjustment
The long-term effects of family parenting and the continuous effects of interaction, self-reflection are called recessive distressing experiences. With the gradual distance from family and school control, they begin to self-reflection and plan its own development relatively independently. At the same time, in communication, work and skill learning, every "winner" understand the distressing experience more and more profound. In the interview, the interviewees realized that the paralyzed and rigid network of relationships and the lack of their personality might be related to unthinking and succumbing to the family parenting style. However, since parents and past selves are also an essential part of family nurturing methods, after recognizing the existence of distressing experiences and emotional expressions, the interviewees are more proactive in seeking relationships with their parents, teachers, and past self's reconciliation.
Reconciliation is actively adjust the relationship, mainly manifested in two aspects: repairing the relationship and changing oneself. repairing the relationship refers mostly to balance and rebuild the positive relationships with parents and teachers, especially parents' relationships. Interviewees represented by Yiyi, Qianqian, and Xiaofeng understood the emotional expressions after distressing experiences, which made family relationships even tenser. In this case, interviewees perceive the tension of intimacy and try to reconstruct family values and the value of past behavior in the narrative to rationalize past experiences.
I'm sorry, the family is pretty good. To be honest, I feel that our family has always been fortunate; the parents are alive; this is a significant point the parents are active. There is no serious illness, which is expected, but the relationship between parents at home is also perfect. My parents have nothing to cheat, so a family can give me some sense of security. Later, I talked and complained because she kept attacking me and made me feel unconfident, just a while ago. I reconciled with my mother, and she admitted that she did not do well before (Yiyi, 2019B).
Through communication and reconstruction, Yiyi affirmed the family's positive aspects and reached a new value judgment of "good" and "bad" with the mother about a certain point in the past behavior and parenting style, which finally repaired the intimacy relationship. Besides, the interviewees represented by Ruoruo and Chenchen paid more attention to self-adjustment and reshaping their confidence and value in the inner world.
I am no longer affirming myself in the form of superiority and external attacks. I have long realized that it is not desirable, but this model has been formed for too long. Even if I recognize that I am trying to change, this process needs to take time. But I think the most significant value is that I have noticed that I have been neglecting to empower from within. Now, I realize the inner satisfication is more importent. Moreover, the relationship with my parents, I am an adult, I can face them equally (Ruoruo, 2019B).
I am doing well now, and I am very proud that I gave the kindergarten teachers a exhortation. I stand firm, and if the Chinese teacher scolds my little brother for doing some tiny things, like decorate their books. I will just scold back and support my brother. These teachers are unqualified, and I will support my brother. Which also allows him to firm up his ideas. I am a family member now, I will use my voice to protect my brother (Chenchen, 2019B).
A new, stronger, and more complete self is being established, which enables the "winners" to reconstruct the relationships with the family and teachers, and can choose how to deal with the infiltration of school education. Ruoruo began to focus on inner abundance and believed that she could communicate with her family independently and truly excellent internally to communicate with her family; Chenchen chose to be the backing of her younger brother to avoid a recurrence of generations in the new round of family-school relationship.

Accompanying: Intergenerational continuation and separation from relationships
In addition to active reconciliation, another understanding exists in a relatively solidified mode. As the winners of schooling, they realize that current success is closely related to strict family parenting and school penetration. It is worth sacrificing some interpersonal relationships and personality characteristics to obtain long-term superior resources.
Are maintaining the fruits of higher education. "My parents insisted on letting me finish my studies. The children of ethnic minorities in Xinjiang province are under cross-language pressure, and many people chose to give up. I thank my dad for his supervision. My dad is an Gaokao winner, my sister is, and so am I. Compared to other cousins, I will have a decent job in the future. I will have an objective income instead of doing odd jobs, doing hard work, and holding a meager income." Are believes that education has changed his life. Although he sacrificed his dream of becoming an athlete first, he left the barren northwest region and came to the prosperous southeast region. The chances and social conditions he have had could not be brought without learning. In the future, he will also urge his children to complete study changes on this "fairest road".

"I will still let my children take exams and study hard. I will be stricter than my father. In fact, my father is very tolerant. I have experienced changes. I know how changes happen. Only through education can my children and my family get fair development and progress."(AreKe 2019B)
Expressing the tendency of intergenerational continuity requires extremely rational choices. This situation also appears in Alei(participant D). Both Alei and AreKe come from slower-developing cities, but Alei's family is more generous and rich. Although she complains that the family restricts her interact with friends, such as going out with time and place limited (during high school period), too strong control made her rebellious. But Alei also showed her current education capital's graciousness and love's wish, both of which are derived from this "excellent assessment" exam report(Gaokao). Compared with the expression of intergenerational continuity, the other accompanying state is not good. Xiaofeng expressed his disgust for the experience of being assessed before higher education, but he has formed a passive and not brave personality, so he could only choose to stay away. Stay away from the city of Qidong, away from the teachers he has been in contact with, and keep silent with his parents.
Can you imagine that the girl, that dirty girl. I heard that she didn't go to high school and she became a prostitute. Every time I think of this, I want to cry. I don't know what caused it. I walked out (from anxiety), maybe it just seemed relieved. What did she think, I didn't dare to say or ask, I don't want to go back to my hometown (Xiaofeng, 2019A).
Xiaofeng, wandering in other cities, uses a faraway approach to cover up the past. He needs time to digest and adjust the bad experiences brought about by those experiences.
Repiring relationships and self-adjustment are ways to spontaneously try to make up and reconcile after recognizing and understanding the existence of distressing experiences. These ways gradually melt the separation of past experiences. Compared with the reconciliation, accompanying is obvious that it will get more along the distressing experience. In this time, the result will be more likely variable. Unfortunately, the interviewee who had a bad interaction with the teacher did not state how to debug this memory-it will be the biggest pity of this study.

Conclusion and discussion
As a public service, education provides a basis for social stratification and resource matching supply. However, educational sociology is not enough to provide more evidence on school education's influence on modern daily life. Analyzing the relationship between family parenting and school education is an indispensable angle for mainstream research.
In addition to cooperation, school education's infiltration has a strong driving force because it relies on the public system. The family needs to rely on education channels to obtain a higher social position and rich resources in the society.
Our research does not pay attention to how the school infiltration is to operate in the preparation stage, and there is no way to present a way in this particular situation. However, we have shown final infiltration in the family, bundled with the school mechanism and family parenting mechanism (school education uses the appearance of rationality and legitimacy to guide the parenting concept of family parenting), how to continue school infiltration. The ideas and values which are generated by school education's infiltrated logic in the family condition, as well as negative impacts in this process.
Whether it is an individual or a family, the acceptance of school education infiltration is more the family's acceptance of education's social value than the moral dependence on the school field. Supporting the acquisition of grades and test-taking standards is also to obey the social norms of education's adjustment of social classes and social resources allocation. It is an important reason why family parenting often chooses to retreat when school education penetrates.
The infiltration of school education has a positive effect. On the one hand, it strengthens the relationship between the family and the school, and on the other hand, it achieves mutual communication on the educational concepts and values. The overlapping influence theory (Yang, 2006) pays attention to the social phenomenon of infiltration in a static manner.
However, school education infiltration is also destructive. This is mainly manifested in the three aspects of assessment, family vassals, and children's isolation. Achieving college entrance examinations and obtaining higher education entrance certification is one of the school-educating goals, mostly is the main goal. However, under China's exam-oriented education system and a vast population base, the share of achieving high scores has continued to increase, sup-pressing the cultivation of moral values and education concepts developing. School values becoming a vital family parenting goal. Family function have received widespread attention in family-school cooperative research, which is expressed as "schools are strong, parents are weak", family parenting responsibilities depend on the school", etc. (Guo & Zhang, 2015). The sequence of family and school for children's development has been overlapped. Some scholars suggested making family and school influence equally to realize the complementarity of the two educational situations and maximize the advantages (Yang, 2006), but it is broken in exam-oriental condition. In reality, families tend to retreat to the second line. They will follow and strengthen school education standards and become the school's secondary supervisor (Song, 2020). Usually, appear as an additional supplement for the child's shortcomings in the test and exam.
These supplements include but are not limited to: 1) follow the teacher's decision-making (like Xiaofeng's parents), and treat children with the teacher's standards; 2) similar to Ruoruo family, instill the value of exam-oriented education in advance, order the children to remain excellent, and be full of honor for exam scores; 3) Family like Qianqian and Yiyi, let their children focus on learning and not worry about other things; 4) Similar to AreKe and Alei's parents, providing tutoring and taking more lessons after school 5) Of course, there are also a small number of families similar to Chenchen. Family conflicts are severe under the separation of educational concepts and values. In the end, the family is not harmonious and even broken.
The child feels a stronger sense of isolation under a consistent authority system and will form a distressing experience under the long-term influence. For example, this article mentioned fear of authority, indulging in praise, alienation in interpersonal relationships, weak social skills, etc., as well as the resulting intergenerational estrangement, which makes these "winner" very contradictory and anxious. Taking the society as the macro background, personal experience is totally weak, but when family parenting has a similar homogeneity trend, the relationship between the family and the school is positioned, and the school education is infiltrated, the participants reported their experiences, which have opened a new research perspective, that is, a single perspective of material in social integration and resource allocation does not seem to be able to evaluate the achievements of real participants in education. The spiritual and psychological dimensions have helped us to examine from the witnesses how families lacking educational independence sacrificed character shaping and life strategy development, which only contributed to exam scores.
The existence of a distressing experience breaks the good judgment standard of obtaining higher education and fulfilling family expectations. It presents more three-dimensionally the children's personal feelings and even pain in the family parenting method required by the internalized education system. Under the circumstances that the relationship with teachers, family, classmates, and self in the past has collapsed at different levels, the "scarred"(Experience many bad memories)children bear family expectations and walk through the twelve-year "Long March" road of the education system. Even if they finally achieve excellent higher education, it is also difficult to imagine how many broken relationships and self-questioning in the past 12 years have become areas that need to be repaired for a long time in the future. We dare not say whether there is a shadow of distressing experience behind extreme events such as the PUA incident at Peking University, murder case in Peking University, the corpse case at Nanking University, and the Malicious poisoning case of Fudan University in recent years . 3 But when we discover that even ordinary and optimistic when the interviewees also showed their own distressing experience and the intention of trying to reconcile, it is incredibly precious to reflect on the actual interaction between family parenting methods and the education system and to focus on personal feelings.
We hope to focus on family parenting in the essential education stage from com-bining privateness and sociality, procedural and historical perspectives, and to develop an understanding of family parenting from a holistic educational framework. In the essential education stage, where schooling is dominant, family parenting cannot function independently and is inevitably influenced by schooling values and purposes. Ultimately, family parenting and schooling work together to develop students into high score achieving schooling winners. This process shows how schools influence social resources and social redistribution, and how schools, as the invisible hand, infiltrate the family and, in turn, influence society through the family. Meanwhile, it is possible to understand how children are driven by two educational forces with the same ultimate purpose, suppressing their natural growth needs in order to obtain a socially acceptable resource. This article goes further to explain the problems of family parenting in this condition and the children's distressing experience, whereby the independence and equality of family parenting are being blurred and the children's individual feelings are being ignored by school infiltration. We will continue to explore more aspects of family parenting in school infiltration.