Skip to main content
SpringerLink
Log in

Your Happiness Is My Happiness: Predicting Positive Feelings for a Partner’s Consensual Extra-Dyadic Intimate Relations

  • Original Paper
  • Published:
Archives of Sexual Behavior Aims and scope Submit manuscript

Abstract

This quantitative study tested hypotheses derived from a previous qualitative study of the factors that facilitated and hindered compersion (the positive feelings derived from one’s partner’s intimate relations with others) in consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationships. A total of 255 participants recruited from online CNM and Alt-Sex communities reported on demographic and relationship characteristics as well as individual, relationship, and metamour-related variables in an online anonymous survey. In Flicker et al. (2022), we identified various factors that predicted three subtypes of compersion: contentment with one’s partner’s relationships with established metamours (intimate partners of one’s partners), excitement sparked by one’s partner’s new/potentially new intimate connections, and sexual excitement elicited by thinking about one’s partner with another person. The current findings were consistent with the Flicker et al. qualitative study, with some hypotheses from the previous study more strongly supported than others. The predictors of compersion most strongly supported by the current data include closeness with one’s metamour and knowledge about the partner/metamour relationship, in a positive direction, as well as jealousy, envy, and attachment anxiety, in a negative direction. Individual-level predictors were weak predictors of compersion. The sexual arousal subtype of compersion was weakly endorsed by the current sample and predictors of this subtype were distinct from predictors of the other subtypes of compersion. The findings suggest that the development of new interventions that target reducing jealousy and envy and increasing attachment security within the unique context of CNM relationships could have the added benefit of increasing compersion. The development of these interventions stands to benefit a growing population of individuals involved in CNM relationships.

This is a preview of subscription content, log in via an institution to check access.

Access this article

Log in via an institution

Price excludes VAT (USA)
Tax calculation will be finalised during checkout.

Instant access to the full article PDF.

Institutional subscriptions

Fig. 1
Fig. 2
Fig. 3

Similar content being viewed by others

Availability of Data and Material

Data and materials are available by request.

Code Availability

Not applicable.

Notes

  1. A metamour is the intimate partner of one’s partner, typically with whom one is not intimately involved (Sheff, 2014).

  2. We use the term “alternative” partner here to be consistent with the terminology of the investment model (Rusbult et al., 1998). However, in the context of CNM, the term “additional” partners makes more sense.

  3. A polycule is a network of individuals who are connected through CNM intimate partnerships.

  4. In kitchen-table polyamory, metamours know each other and may have close relationships.

References

  • Anapol, D. M. (2010). Polyamory in the 21st century: Love and intimacy with multiple partners. Rowman & Littlefield.

    Google Scholar 

  • Barker, M. (2013). Rewriting the rules: An integrative guide to love, sex, and relationships. Routledge.

    Google Scholar 

  • Bates, D., Mächler, M., Bolker, B., & Walker, S. (2015). Fitting linear mixed-effects models using lme4. Journal of Statistical Software, 67(1), 1–48. https://doi.org/10.18637/jss.v067.i01

  • Benjamini, Y., & Hochberg, Y. (1995). Controlling the false discovery rate: A practical and powerful approach to multiple testing. Journal of the Royal Statistical Society: Series B, 57(1), 289–300.

    MathSciNet  Google Scholar 

  • Berking, M., & Whitley, B. (2014). Affect regulation training. Springer.

    Book  Google Scholar 

  • Buunk, B. P. (1997). Personality, birth order and attachment styles as related to various types of jealousy. Personality & Individual Differences, 23(6), 997–1006. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0191-8869(97)00136-0

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Conley, T. D., & Moors, A. C. (2014). More oxygen please!: How polyamorous relationship strategies might oxygenate marriage. Psychological Inquiry, 25(1), 56–63. https://doi.org/10.1080/1047840X.2014.876908

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Deri, J. (2015). Love’s refraction: Jealousy and compersion in queer women’s polyamorous relationships. University of Toronto Press.

    Book  Google Scholar 

  • Easton, D., & Hardy, J. W. (2009). The ethical slut: A practical guide to polyamory, open relationships & other adventures (2nd ed.). Celestial Arts.

    Google Scholar 

  • Flicker, S. M., Thouin, M., & Vaughan, M. D. (2022). Factors that facilitate and hinder the experience of compersion among individuals in consensually non-monogamous relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 51, 3035–3048. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-022-02333-4

  • Flicker, S. M., Vaughan, M. D., & Meyers, L. S. (2021). Feeling good about your partners' relationships: Compersion in consensually non-monogamous relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 50(4), 1569–1585. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-021-01985-y

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Frable, D. E., Wortman, C., & Joseph, J. (1997). Predicting self-esteem, well-being, and distress in a cohort of gay men: The importance of cultural stigma, personal visibility, community networks, and positive identity. Journal of Personality, 65, 599–624. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6494.1997.tb00328.x

    Article  CAS  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Fraley, R. C., Heffernan, M. E., Vicary, A. M., & Brumbaugh, C. C. (2011). The experiences in close relationships—Relationship Structures Questionnaire: A method for assessing attachment orientations across relationships. Psychological Assessment, 23(3), 615–625. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0022898

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Gjesfjeld, C. D., Greeno, C. G., & Kim, K. H. (2008). A confirmatory factor analysis of an abbreviated social support instrument: The MOS-SSS. Research on Social Work Practice, 18(3), 231–237. https://doi.org/10.1177/1049731507309830

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Grant, M., Salsman, N. L., & Berking, M. (2018). The assessment of successful emotion regulation skills use: Development and validation of an English version of the Emotion Regulation Skills Questionnaire. PLoS ONE, 13(10), e0205095. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0205095

    Article  CAS  PubMed  PubMed Central  Google Scholar 

  • John, O. P., Naumann, L. P., & Soto, C. J. (2008). Paradigm shift to the integrative Big Five trait taxonomy: History, measurement, and conceptual issues. In O. P. John, R. W. Robins, & L. A. Pervin (Eds.), Handbook of personality: Theory and research (pp. 114–158). Guilford Press.

  • John, O. P., Donahue, E. M., & Kentle, R. L. (1991). The Big Five Inventory-Versions 4a and 54. University of California.

    Google Scholar 

  • Jones, A. C., Jones, R. L., & Morris, N. (2018). Development and validation of the Couple Communication Satisfaction Scale. American Journal of Family Therapy, 46(5), 505–524. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2019.1566874

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Meyer, I. H. (2003). Prejudice, social stress, and mental health in lesbian, gay, and bisexual populations: Conceptual issues and research evidence. Psychological Bulletin, 129(5), 674–697. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.129.5.674

    Article  PubMed  PubMed Central  Google Scholar 

  • Moors, A. C. (2017). Has the American public’s interest in information related to relationships beyond “the couple” increased over time? Journal of Sex Research, 54, 677–684. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2016.1178208

    Article  PubMed  ADS  Google Scholar 

  • Reiss, I. (1986). Journey into sexuality: An exploratory voyage. Prentice-Hall.

    Google Scholar 

  • Rempel, J. K., Holmes, J. G., & Zanna, M. P. (1985). Trust in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 49, 95–112.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Ritchie, A., & Barker, M. (2006). “There aren’t words for what we do or how we feel so we have to make them up”: Constructing polyamorous languages in a culture of compulsory monogamy. Sexualities, 9(5), 584–601. https://doi.org/10.1177/1363460706069987

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Rosenberg, M. (1965). Society and the adolescent self-image. Princeton University Press.

    Book  Google Scholar 

  • Rusbult, C. E., Martz, J. M., & Agnew, C. R. (1998). The Investment Model Scale: Measuring commitment level, satisfaction level, quality of alternatives, and investment size. Personal Relationships, 5(4), 357–391. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.1998.tb00177.x

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Sheff, E. (2014). The polyamorists next door: Inside multiple-partner relationships and families. Rowman and Littlefield.

    Google Scholar 

  • Sherbourne, C. D., & Stewart, A. L. (1991). The MOS Social Support Survey. Social Science Medicine, 32(6), 705–714.

    Article  CAS  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Stewart, Z. (2001). What's all this NRE stuff, anyway? Reflections 15 years later. Loving More, 26.

  • Stewart-Brown, S., Tennant, A., Tennant, R., Platt, S., Parkinson, J., & Weich, S. (2009). Internal construct validity of the Warwick-Edinburgh Mental Well-being Scale (WEMWBS): A Rasch analysis using data from the Scottish Health Education Population Survey. Health and Quality of Life Outcomes, 7, 15. https://doi.org/10.1186/1477-7525-7-15

    Article  PubMed  PubMed Central  Google Scholar 

  • Tatum, A. K., Flicker, S. M., & Schroeder, J. (in press). Addressing relationship stigma and supporting LGBTQ+ individuals in consensually non-monogamous relationships. In N. A. Livingston, B. A. Feinstein, & M. P. Galupo (Eds.), Addressing minority stress and enhancing resilience in therapy with diverse LGBTQ+ clients. Springer Nature.

    Google Scholar 

  • Thouin-Savard, M. I. (2021). Compersion in consensually nonmonogamous relationships: A grounded theory investigation (Publication No. 28493410) [Doctoral dissertation, California Institute of Integral Studies]. PQDT Open. https://www.proquest.com/docview/2561893892?pq-origsite=gscholar&fromopenview=true

  • Vaughan, M. D., & Flicker, S. M. (2021). An exploratory analysis of demographic differences in experiences of compersion. Paper presented at the meeting of the American Psychological Association as part of the symposium ‘Perceptions and Experiences of Consensual Non-Monogamy’, virtual.

  • Wosick-Correa, K. (2010). Agreements, rules and agentic fidelity in polyamorous relationships. Psychology & Sexuality, 1, 44–61. https://doi.org/10.1080/19419891003634471

    Article  Google Scholar 

Download references

Funding

The authors did not receive support from any organization for the submitted work.

Author information

Authors and Affiliations

  1. Department of Psychology, California State University, Sacramento, Amador Hall 353B, MS 6007, 6000 J Street, Sacramento, CA, 95819, USA

    Sharon M. Flicker

  2. Department of Mathematics and Computer Science, Colorado College, Colorado Springs, CO, USA

    Flavia Sancier-Barbosa

Authors
  1. Sharon M. Flicker
    View author publications

    You can also search for this author in PubMed Google Scholar

  2. Flavia Sancier-Barbosa
    View author publications

    You can also search for this author in PubMed Google Scholar

Contributions

The second author conducted all data screening and analyses and wrote the results section. The first author completed all other work on the manuscript.

Corresponding author

Correspondence to Sharon M. Flicker.

Ethics declarations

Conflict of interest

We have no known conflict of interest to disclose. The preregistered hypotheses, methods, and data analytic plan (with exceptions noted in the paper) can be obtained at: https://aspredicted.org/m7nv8.pdf. Data can be obtained by emailing the first author.

Ethical Standards

All procedures performed in studies involving human participants were in accordance with the ethical standards of the institutional and/or national research committee (Exempt due to less than minimal risk and anonymous surveys; IRB Approval Numbers: 20-21-180) and with the 1964 Helsinki declaration and its later amendments or comparable ethical standards. This article does not contain any studies with animals performed by any of the authors.

Informed consent

Informed consent was obtained from all individual participants included in the study.

Additional information

Publisher's Note

Springer Nature remains neutral with regard to jurisdictional claims in published maps and institutional affiliations.

Rights and permissions

Springer Nature or its licensor (e.g. a society or other partner) holds exclusive rights to this article under a publishing agreement with the author(s) or other rightsholder(s); author self-archiving of the accepted manuscript version of this article is solely governed by the terms of such publishing agreement and applicable law.

Reprints and permissions

About this article

Check for updates. Verify currency and authenticity via CrossMark

Cite this article

Flicker, S.M., Sancier-Barbosa, F. Your Happiness Is My Happiness: Predicting Positive Feelings for a Partner’s Consensual Extra-Dyadic Intimate Relations. Arch Sex Behav 53, 941–958 (2024). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-023-02766-5

Download citation

  • Received:

  • Revised:

  • Accepted:

  • Published:

  • Issue Date:

  • DOI: https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-023-02766-5

Keywords

Search

Navigation