Finding my voice: A qualitative exploration into the perceived impact of person- centred counsellor training upon counsellors who were adopted as a baby

This small- scale qualitative study explored how qualified person- centred counsellors who were adopted as a baby perceived the impact of their person- centred counsel ling training. The study focused on the adoptees’ experiences of adoption and how these influenced their experience of person- centred counselling training. Data were analysed using interpretative phenomenological analysis to gain insight into how the participants made sense of their lived experience. The findings supported the dif ficulties associated with adoption, which not only are present in existing literature and research but also placed an emphasis on the particular vulnerabilities associated with being adopted as a baby. The findings further highlighted the positive impact of person- centred counselling training on the participants’ personal development, which included the following: increased self- awareness, self- acceptance, identity de velopment and ‘having a voice’. The findings confer implications for clinical practice in understanding the experience of adoptees who were adopted as a baby and for trainers in the planning and provision of person- centred training. The research also identifies the healing aspects of person- centred counselling training, which facili tated the participants’ positive self- development. In addition, unique opportunities for counsellors who were also adopted as a baby are suggested and the need for the Adoption Support Fund to be extended to allow an adoptee of any age to ac cess therapeutic support is also identified. The links made between adoption and person- centred training are an original area of research and are worthy of further exploration.


| INTRODUC TI ON
Theory and research exists that examines attitudes towards adoption from the perspectives of birth parents, adoptive parents and social workers, and many studies document emotional and developmental difficulties associated with adoption (Tieman et al., 2005).
There is limited research, however, into how adoptees actually think and feel about their adoptions (Hawkins et al., 2007). As maintained by Kowal and Schilling (1985), adult adoptees become invisible within society and little is known about their perspective on their own experience.
Consequently, an exhaustive search was completed to ensure the most relevant and up-to-date literature and research in the field of adoption are included. There is a dearth of literature on how a person's adoption experience may impact those who undertake counsellor training, either within the person-centred modality or within other therapeutic approaches. This investigation aims to bring together these two areas of discourse: adoption and person-centred counselling training, and it specifically addresses the question of how person-centred counselling training impacts trainees who were adopted as a baby.
Adoption is not 'new'; 'references to adoption may be found in the Bible and in the ancient codes, laws, and writings of Babylonians, Chinese, Egyptians, Hebrews and Hindus' (Sokoloff, 1993, p. 17). Historically, adoption has served to meet the needs of adults (Brodzinsky et al., 1998). The Adoption of Children Act (1926) 'legalised' adoption in Britain (1930 in Scotland). The wording of the present-day Adoption and Children Act has hardly changed. It states, 'an adopted person is to be treated in law as if born as the child of the adopters or adopter' (Adoption & Children Act, 2002, Section 67:1). Smith and Logan (2004) identify legislation as preserving the myth that adopted children have no other family than their adoptive family. The Law Commission of New Zealand describes this legislation as a 'repugnant and an unnecessary distortion of reality' (Law Commission of New Zealand, 2000, p. 43-44). Cole and Donley (in Brodzinsky & Schechter, 1990, p. 273) recognise that 'because adoption is a social construction, it is value laden and shaped by cultural forces'. Verrier (2003) describes how adoption is often considered an altruistic act. However, research suggests that the needs of the child are not always the predominant consideration in adoption (Lowe et al., 1999). It is widely maintained that regardless of the motivating factors, 'adoption is a second choice for everyone' (Phillips, 2008, p. 2).

| The adoption experience and potential implications
The word 'adoption' encompasses both personal and legal commitments. Whilst the legal definition could be seen as straightforward, it is not the whole picture and does not acknowledge the complex nature of the personal and emotional issues associated with adopting a child (Hindle & Schulman, 2008). Meulen et al. (2019, p. 194) describe the term adoption as embodying two different processes: 'relinquishment and a change of family'. The evaluation of these processes may be very different; therefore, distinguishing between them would be useful (Brown, 2000).
Research demonstrates that adoptees are frequently told stories which include 'untruths' to avoid the emotional pain of adoption (Lifton, 1994;Schooler, 1995). Secrecy and lies can compromise an adoptee's ability to trust themselves (Brodzinsky, 1990;Brodzinsky et al., 1998). Robertson (2001) also suggests that secrecy possesses a sense of deviancy, which has implications for the adoptee's ability to 'show who they are and find true acceptance' (Robertson, 2001, p. 76). Fahlberg (2012) states psychological health is difficult to attain as an adult without knowledge of your history.
Talking about 'adoption' and 'birth parents' can be uncomfortable for both the child and adoptive parents (Harrigan, 2010). Therefore, discussion is often limited, with children being left to privately try to make sense of what can feel like a very confusing and emotionally complex situation (Hodges, 1984). Due to the issues impacting open communication, the message received by the adoptee is one where conditional love is offered (Lifton, 1994). This leads to many adoptees creating a 'false self', often working hard to be compliant and maintain this 'good' false sense of themselves (Lifton, 1994;Verrier, 2012). For example, in Dennis' (2014, p. 14) interviews with adoptees, one participant stated: 'I would go to extreme lengths and measures contorting myself into any shape or form I could to make certain I was acceptable in everyone's eyes. Having no sense of self or where I belonged'. Historically, advice to adoptive parents has encouraged them to tell adoptees that they are 'chosen' and consequently 'special' (Raymond, 1955). In their qualitative research, Darnell et al. (2017) found many of the adults they interviewed identified as 'chosen'. For some, this came with a sense of pride at being adopted which helped to mitigate some of the 'stigmas'. However, the researchers also recognised a need to explore the 'adoptive identity' further and to pay more attention to the 'hidden-self' and 'tendencies within their environment to suppress the exploration of differences' (Darnell et al., 2017, p. 163). A study of 100 adult adoptees (Kowal & Schilling, 1985) found that 35.45% reported feeling chosen or special. Many also reported contradictory emotions, feeling both 'special' and 'worried and insecure'.
The idea of a blank-slate baby adds another dimension to common perceptions of adoptees. First postulated by Locke (1690) in An Essay Concerning Human Understanding, it is the belief that a baby comes into this world as an 'empty vessel'. This is a convenient assumption for many associated with adoption where no significance is given to biological factors. However, research shows that crucial development occurs prior to birth and that emotions felt during pregnancy and birth impact the baby (Verny & Kelly, 1982). There is a wealth of information and research into the prenatal experiences of babies (Chamberlain, 1988;Wolynn, 2017). Such research acknowledges that the unborn child is a 'feeling, remembering, aware being' (Lifton, 1994, p. 31), but in adoption, there is a reluctance to recognise this. A baby who does not consciously remember their adoption is not less impacted by it; 'it happened before they had words to describe it (preverbal)' (Verrier, 2012, p. 9).
A related perspective by Hindle and Schulman (2008, p. 92) describes the traumatic impact of adoption on babies whose stress is 'less visible'. They maintain that 'unregulated stress' in babies can create brain function changes comparable 'to the impact of disastrous terror in an older child or adult'. The trauma of a baby is compounded by the lack of a 'pre-traumatic self' because they have yet to form a 'self' from whom they can draw strength (Lifton, 1994).
Attachment theory (Bowlby, 1982) sheds further light on the potential emotional and developmental difficulties associated with adoption. It sees birth and the first relationships a child forms as critical for their later life (Golding, 2008). All adoptees suffer the loss of their original primary attachment figures. This broken attachment is felt both physically and emotionally by the baby who has already experienced a deeply intimate 9-month relationship with their birth mother during pregnancy (Roszia & Maxon, 2019). Consequently, this separation in early childhood can be hazardous to an adoptee's health (Ngigi & Bosco, 2020) and, in addition to this, expectations are placed on them to seamlessly attach to their adoptive parents (Sorosky et al., 1984). Affected by their early losses, a significant number of adoptees struggle to establish secure attachments (Howe, 1998). Attachment issues derived through unresolved loss and trauma as infants can also lead to anger, fear of rejection and the tendency to dissociate in adults (Schofield & Beek, 2006).
Literature and research about adoptees consistently recognises the distinct and often intense struggles around identity formation (Caballero et al., 2012;Rushton et al., 2012). Qualitative research in this area has found adoptees can feel 'different' and 'more vulnerable' (O'Reilly et al., 2016, p. 72). Henze-Pendersen (2019, p. 148) also describes her participants as talking about 'feelings of otherness' due to physical differences. Additionally, research proposes that adopted children follow a different developmental path to children raised by their biological parents (Nickman, 1985a, Nickman, 1985b. Identity issues can be exacerbated by the 'family romance' fantasy (Freud, 1909(Freud, /1959, which relates to the psychological development of children and functions to resolve and accept disappointments with their actual parents (Freud, 1909(Freud, /1959Freud, 1942Freud, /1973. These fantasies are more problematic and difficult to resolve in adopted children. A mix of fact and fantasy is an attempt by the adoptee to understand themselves, but the lack of biological knowledge and open communication requires the adoptee to 'construct their own stories about their genetic roots, conception, prenatal life, and birth' (Rosenberg & Horner, 1991, p. 77). Fantasies can continue into adulthood if a resolution is not found (Treacher & Katz, 2000). This perspective resonates with the concept of 'genealogical bewilderment', a term first used by Wellisch (1952). A genealogically bewildered child is one who either has no knowledge of their natural parents or only uncertain knowledge of them.
Genealogical bewilderment is still recognised today as a difficulty associated with adoption (Barn & Mansuri, 2019). Adoptees can also struggle with self-acceptance as they internalise the possible reasons for their adoption (Lifton, 1994). Self-blame can lead adoptees to feel they have a 'bad core' or are 'less than' others (Roszia & Maxon, 2019). Separation from one's birth mother can additionally impact on one's ability to form close relationships, and distancing techniques are often employed by adoptees to avoid intimacy for fear that if the 'true self' is known, rejection is likely to follow (Dennis, 2014).
Loss and grief are intrinsic to adoption and a vast topic within adoption literature and research. The struggle facing adoptees, specifically those who were adopted as a baby, is the lack of acknowledgement and understanding they have of their grief (Miller-Havens, 1996;Nickman, 1985b). Doka (2002) suggests this can become disenfranchised grief if the adoptee lacks support and acknowledgement to process their grief. Nickman (1985aNickman ( , 1985b states that adoptees have a need to mourn. However, for some adoptees, issues of loyalty may prevent them from discussing their feelings of loss (Rosenberg, 1992). This lack of communication is significant as Christ and Christ (2006) identified that openness and sharing information is important for the psychological health of bereaved children. Research by Morgan (2017, p. 302) found the risk of suicide was significantly higher for adoptees in comparison with biological teenagers and stemmed from 'unresolved anger and sadness from feelings of abandonment'.
Recent developments in the field have attempted to address issues within the adoption process to reduce the complications that come from a lack of biological knowledge and open communication.
In 2015, the government introduced the Adoption Support Fund Life story work has also attempted to address the complications associated with adoption. Developed in the 1980s, life story work is now embedded in social work practice in England and Wales (Ryan & Walker, 2016). The practice seeks to 'help the child establish a sense of self and personal history' (Ryan & Walker, 2016, p. 1). Despite being a commonly used intervention, Willis and Holland (2009) identify that there is little research into the effectiveness of practice or the experiences of those who receive such interventions. There are also concerns that many social workers may not have the experience to complete this sensitive work with children (Baynes, 2008).
However, the limited research in this area does seem to confirm the effectiveness of life story work. In their qualitative research with young people, Willis and Holland (2009, p. 51) found it to have 'met some of the emotional needs' of the young people they interviewed as well as 'bolstering self-esteem and a sense of identity'. Life story work is mostly used with looked-after children to understand their journey through the care system (Fahlberg, 2012); with adoption, it is typically employed to support an older child's preparation for adoption (Willis & Holland, 2009). There is little to no work, however, which can be completed with an infant who is placed for adoption. In very young children, life story work depends on the adoptive parent to prompt and sustain conversations as the child grows (Habermas & Bluck, 2000) and the work is dependent on their dedication to the process (Jay, 2017). MacDonald and McSherry (2011) describe that over the last 30 years, adoption has tried to move away from secrecy and towards openness. Brodzinsky (2006) defines openness in adoption as consisting of two parts: structural and communicative. The structural openness refers to contact between birth and adoptive families, whilst communicative openness encompasses discussions related to adoption. Research shows that open adoption has positive psychological benefits to adoptees (Robinson, 2017;Sykes, 2001). However, MacDonald and McSherry (2011 p. 5) state that there is 'no clear association between contact and outcomes for the child in terms of their social, emotional or behavioural development'. Identified as important in the success of open adoption are the adoptive parents (Luu et al., 2018). Neil (2003) explains that empathic, understanding adopters viewed contact positively and sustained arrangements.
Once again, for those adopted as a baby, their experience of adoption is reliant on the attitudes of the adults in their lives. Argent There are a wide range of developmental issues that can potentially impact the adopted person as a baby and as they progress throughout their life cycle. Existing research documents that adult adoptees have an increased risk of developing a mental health disorder and lower psychological well-being (Levy-Shiff, 2001;Morgan, 2017). Other studies, however, found no differences in mental health problems between adopted and non-adopted adults (Feigelman, 2001). Debates therefore continue to exist, and there is a need for further understanding of the impact of adoption, particularly from the perspective of adoptees themselves. Specifically, how person-centred counsellor training may tap into the specific vulnerabilities of adopted people is an uncharted area of investigation, and the current study aimed to shed light on how the trainees themselves perceive their experience in this area.

| Person-centred counselling and training
The person-centred approach is based on the work of Rogers (1951).
The approach assumes a positive view of human nature, seeing individuals as 'social, creative and constructive' (Merry, 2014, p. 19). The organismic self and the self-concept are separate. People may lose contact with their organismic self depending on their environment and the messages they receive. In an adverse environment, the distance between the organismic self and self-concept may grow as the self-concept strives to please and be liked. In doing so, a person becomes incongruent and loses their sense of authenticity.
Person-centred counselling is more than skills and techniques (Mearns & Thorne, 2013). It is widely recognised as an 'approach…a psychological posture, a way of being' (Wood, 1996, p. 163). At the heart of person-centred practice is the therapeutic relationship (Merry, 2014), and as postulated by Rogers (1957), it is within this relationship that 'the six necessary and sufficient conditions' provide the ingredients for therapeutic growth and personality change.
Empathy, unconditional positive regard and congruence-which have become known as the 'core conditions'-are the attributes and qualities integrated in the counsellor that need to be communicated to the client and received by him or her. Indeed, outcome research widely indicates that positive outcomes are based on a strong therapeutic relationship (Horvath et al., 2011). Work by writers such as Mearns andCooper (2005, 2018) has added the dynamic of 'relational depth', 'a state of profound contact and engagement between two people, in which each person is fully real with the other, and able to understand and value the other's experiences at a high level' (Mearns & Cooper, 2005, p. xii). It requires blending together high degrees of the core conditions and speaks of a depth of therapeutic intimacy.
To enhance the necessary 'way of being', personal development is at the heart of person-centred counselling training and entails daunting personal development objectives. Many courses utilise Mearns' (1997) 25 personal development aims as a basis for the personal development agenda. Such training entails an intense experience in which trainees are required to develop values, skills, attitudes and personal qualities which allow them to offer their client a 'quality of presence' in which they feel safe to explore their pain (Merry, 2014). Self-development opportunities take different forms during training. Residential workshops are usually a compulsory part of person-centred training and offer longer immersion in a topic and the possibility for self-reflection away from everyday life.
Lectures are designed to broaden the trainees' understanding of issues pertinent to counselling, including diversity, grief and childhood adversity. In addition, wide-ranging personal development opportunities are offered in both small and large groups, and in most personcentred courses, personal therapy is either required or strongly recommended.
Whilst there is little argument regarding the importance and centrality of the personal development agenda within person-centred training, research on the student experience is still somewhat limited.
The growing body of work in this area, however, consistently attests to the highly challenging, sometimes frightening and often stressful and painful nature of such training (Baxter, 2020;Harding Davies et al., 2004;Johns, 2012;McQuaid, 2014;Treull, 2001) and that it inevitably involves major shifts in identity, self-knowledge and self-confidence. 'A baptism of fire' (Folkes-Skinner et al., 2010, p. 91) sums up this experience, which is typically perceived as a 'potentially disturbing personal journey' involving 'deconstruction of the self in order for the new therapist self to emerge'. In line with Jung's (1951)  maintain that part of a trainee's personal journey often leads back to early memories and significant early relationships. Particularly relevant may be the conditions of worth that have been instrumental in creating a limiting and distorted self-concept through conditional love and acceptance. Johns (2012) argues that we are all 'victims' in different degrees to such conditionality and often spend our lives seeking approval and fearing rejection. New awareness, particularly about one's childhoods, has been reported to be initially destabilising, and a wide range of feelings such as anger, guilt and fear have been reported (Baxter, 2020).
Whilst no studies have been identified that specifically focus on the experiences of adoptees on training courses, Baxter's (2020) qualitative research on trainee counsellors' experiences of personal change resulting from exploration of their childhood happened to include one participant who was adopted. All trainees in her investigation discovered painful early experiences of loss and adversity, and the adopted individual singled out adoption as being a crucial aspect of her developmental process. For the first time in her life, she developed deep insight into the wide-ranging impact of this experience.
Particularly striking was her recognition of adversity in her parents' lack of acknowledgement or acceptance of who she was and how 'alone' and 'empty' she felt as a child. Low self-esteem, insecurity, people pleasing and rejecting others were perceived as stemming from childhood fears of being abandoned. She encountered numerous challenges in negotiating the personal development agenda, particularly in respect of congruence. Along with other participants in this study, however, the training experience was ultimately highly enlightening and resulted in significant positive personal change intertwined with professional development-more self-accepting, more integrated, more comfortable with themselves and more able to listen to their own internal voice.
Consistent with the experiences of participants in Baxter's (2020) study, more personal change than was ever anticipated has been frequently reported in both research (McQuaid, 2014) and anecdotal accounts, and trainees often acknowledge they were unprepared for the magnitude of these changes. Some studies (Collins, 2008)  Whilst research on the trainee's experience is still relatively limited and the complexities involved in studying therapist development are acknowledged, there has been an increasing emphasis on studying how the various dimensions of counsellor training contribute to the personal development agenda and engagement with the core conditions. It is generally agreed that 'work on self' permeates all aspects of person-centred training, but the most studied component is the impact of the personal development group and its wide-ranging challenges (Lennie, 2007;Moller, 2013;Robson & Robson, 2008). The discomfort, stress, confusion and anxiety often experienced by trainees in personal development groups are well documented (Johns, 2012;Treull, 2001), but the general consensus of the research supports the immense value that is typically derived from this unique interpersonal experience (Godward et al., 2020).
The large group, although less well studied, has also been seen as a fertile ground for personal development (Mearns, 1997), despite the struggles often experienced in this arena. In all contexts of the training experience, the degree of safety in the learning group and the quality of relationships with tutors and peers are seen as critical for breaking down barriers to self-exploration and promoting an openness to self-discovery, risk-taking and experimentation (Harding Davies et al., 2004;Johns, 2012;McQuaid, 2014).
In relation to the adoptee, it is potentially at a point of incongruence that he or she embarks upon their person-centred training, training that requires attaining rigorous self-development expectations, which include the following: • Understanding and awareness of self-concept and conditions of worth.
• Establishing a strong sense of personal identity.
• Obtaining a sufficient degree of self-acceptance.
• Awareness of personal fears, beliefs and prejudices.
• Awareness of blocks that inhibit the expression of the core conditions.
• An openness and responsibility for self.
Person-centred qualities and adoption issues seem to be at opposite ends of a spectrum. This research is interested in exploring the experience of adoptees who complete person-centred training.
It aims to gain a sense of what it is like for adoptees who are trying to attain self-development goals, which are potentially in direct conflict with their learned ways of being.

| Design
This study utilised the qualitative methodology of interpretative phenomenological analysis (IPA), which is based on phenomenology, hermeneutics and idiography (Smith et al., 2009). This was an appropriate choice for this study as it is 'richly grounded in participants' experience yet maintains a critical interpretivist position that furthers interrogates meaning within particular social constructions that are relevant to the research' (Bright & Harrison, 2013, p. 87). It therefore allowed for an in-depth exploration of the lived experience of a small number of participants within the social constructs of adoption and person-centred theory. Within this context, it needs to be acknowledged that social constructionism challenges the person-centred concept of a 'true' organismic self, which assumes a 'real' authentic centre (Gillon, 2007). The underpinning philosophy of the current study, however, accords with the view that all psychological knowledge, including person-centred theory, is socially constructed and embedded within historical, social and cultural frameworks (Gergen, 1999). This grounds the investigation with the social constructionist paradigm.

| Participants
Consistent with IPA, purposive sampling was used to select research participants. IPA typically uses a small number of participants, with three to six being considered an appropriate sample size (Smith et al., 2009). IPA also aims for a relatively homogeneous sample to reduce the impact of additional variables and allow for in-depth exploration of the experience under investigation (Dallos & Vetere, 2005). Accordingly, the following inclusion criteria were established: • Adopted as a baby • Qualified person-centred counsellor (to a minimum of diploma level) • Self-define as 'sufficiently grounded' in their experience to be able to talk about it without experiencing undue distress • Have access to personal therapy Participants were recruited by advertising on the BACP research noticeboard and in Universities who offered person-centred counselling training at diploma level and above. Adverts were also sent to person-centred counsellors who specialised in working with adoption and advertised their services on the BACP or Counselling Directory websites. In addition, links were placed, with administrator permission, on adoption-related Facebook pages. The intention was to include four participants, but due to the time frame of the dissertation, three were recruited. They were all female and met the inclusion criteria.

| Data collection
Data were collected via semi-structured interviews of approximately one hour, with the aim of eliciting rich material (Pietkiewicz & Smith, 2014). The focus was on meanings rather than facts (Larkin & Thompson, 2012). Open questions were used, which followed a 'loose agenda' to allow participants to explore at length and depth the topic under investigation (Smith et al., 2009). An interview plan was devised prior to the interview to ensure a natural flow of conversation and the key areas were covered (Pietkiewicz & Smith, 2014).
The interview focused on two main dimensions: the participants' experience of adoption when growing up and the perceived impact of person-centred counsellor training on their overall developmental process. After completing the interviews, the recordings were transcribed.

| Data analysis
Data were analysed using IPA principles and procedures. This involved an inductive approach, which followed a set of 'common processes' rather than adhering to a 'prescribed method' of analysis (Smith et al., 2009). Interviews were initially analysed on a case-bycase basis and entailed reading and re-reading each transcript to allow immersion in the material and to capture initial impressions.
This was followed by a lengthy systematic process of noting descriptive, conceptual and linguistic text. Emergent themes were derived through turning notes into concise reflective statements of meanings, and then, connections were sought across these themes. This was a complex, creative and rigorous process of clustering and linking common meanings across themes. A table of themes was produced, and this process was repeated for each of the interviews. Common themes were then identified across the whole data set. The analysis involved a 'double hermeneutic' (Smith & Osborn, 2008) where the researcher is trying to make sense of the participant who is trying to make sense of their experience. At all times, it was important to be true to the participants' phenomenology whilst simultaneously engaging in an interpretative process. Potential participants were provided with a detailed information sheet, which included the interview questions and information about the research. Consent was reviewed prior to the interview, and transcripts were sent to participants following the interview to check and ensure continued consent. Participants were aware of the time frame for withdrawal from the study. Anonymity was addressed by the participants' choice of a pseudonym, data being held securely, and names/places and any identifying material being omitted from the transcript. The welfare of participants was a priority; the inclusion questionnaire asked participants to self-define as being 'sufficiently grounded' in their experience to be able to talk about it without this causing undue distress. As adoption can be a sensitive area, providing the questions prior to interview helped prepare the participants. They were also required to have regular clinical supervision and access to personal therapy. This helped to ensure their welfare, minimised potential distress and gave them clear pathways for appropriate support. Although the focus was a sensitive topic, it was recognised that there were also potential benefits to the participant (Carmichael, 2013), including catharsis, self-acknowledgement, a sense of purpose, increased self-awareness and empowerment. Researcher self-care was another important consideration, as researchers are at risk of harm when exposed to 'stories of trauma and suffering' (Mcleod, 2011, p. 66). Accordingly, various measures were put in place to mitigate risks.

| Reflexive statement
The research was inspired by the researcher's own experience of self-development whilst undertaking person-centred counselling training. Being adopted as a baby was a personal issue predominately unexamined prior to commencing the course. The personcentred training facilitated self-awareness, which promoted the exploration of feelings/experiences associated with the researcher's adoption. A particular set of vulnerabilities were noticed, which were also prominent in adoption research and literature.
Interestingly, the areas struggled with were the same areas that are important to develop and enhance whilst training to become a person-centred counsellor. Although painful, the 'process' was ultimately profoundly meaningful and encouraged research into the experiences of other trainees also adopted as a baby. Whilst it could be argued that the researcher's adoption and experience creates biases, the researcher's subjective interpretations can also be seen as 'strengths or even preconditions of the research' (Flick, 2010, p. 207).

| FINDING S
The participants selected their own pseudonyms. Interestingly, these were also the names they were given at birth. During the analysis, data were separated into two categories: 'adoption difficulties' and the 'impact of person-centred training'. Under these broad headings, eight superordinate themes and twenty-seven subordinate themes were identified.

| The relinquished baby
The struggle with being adopted as a baby was significant to all participants and encompassed something important about the participants' lack of memory at the time of their adoption and their process of reflection. The participants made poignant references to themselves as a baby: imagining their experience, the vulnerability and loneliness. Being adopted as a baby also contributed to the participants' feelings of powerlessness and an initial lack of awareness of their adoption difficulties.
All participants described noticing painful feelings within them when they were very young. This seemed to be a sensory/emotional experience of 'rejection'/'abandonment', which was present before words, a kind of preverbal pain. Ruth suggested she 'wasn't able to verbalise it, it was there, it just wasn't named'. Similarly, Alison noted the 'visceral sort of experience of that rejection', and Charlotte captured her internal bodily awareness: The pain is a kind of knowing rather than a cognition.
It is like a felt sense…like I say, to say that I wasn't aware of my adoption issues I think that's why, it was preverbal, precognition really, it was just that felt sense. I knew on a very deep level that I had been abandoned.
All participants recognised difficulties with being unable to explore their life prior to adoption. These were mostly 'unsaid' messages received from their adoptive parents. However, the lack of open communication also left the participants feeling as if these conversations were 'forbidden' and 'wrong'. There was the idea that their life 'began' when they were adopted, that they arrived as a 'blank slate' and that their biological heritage was unimportant. All the participants felt their adoptive parents controlled the narrative around their adoption: Actually, I did come from somebody's tummy but we don't talk about it.
(Ruth) Feelings of being disregarded and dismissed as a baby were also prevalent. The participants felt their vulnerability was not recognised and there was a lack of empathy towards their experience because they were a baby. The participants all expressed the belief that as a baby, they did have an awareness of their adoption. They felt their grief was not considered and went unacknowledged throughout their life: I was told that I cried a lot as a baby, I must've been very sad.

(Alison)
'Survival' was a powerful word regularly used by all the participants to communicate their experience of coping with adoption. It conveyed a desperation and a need for endurance, as poignantly stated by Alison: I think you know you are a survivor as an adopted person, and I think you've been taken into a different world that's not your natural world.
Words such as 'alien' and 'weird' were used to describe their experience of not belonging and growing up in an environment which was perceived as 'strange' and 'unsafe'. This was despite all the participants describing their adoptive parents as 'good enough' and meeting their basic needs.

| Out of touch with 'Self'
The participants perceived that as a result of adoption, they would become out of touch with 'self'. The theme included the participants' experiences of prioritising the needs of others and consequently losing contact with their own needs and sense of 'self'/identity. There was a sense of not being grounded in themselves and therefore relying on others and trying to fit in with them, seeing themselves as 'wrong' and others as 'right'. There was an implicit meaning in these themes that adoption must be hidden and a necessity to be as similar to their adoptive family as possible. There were also echoes here of the 'desperate baby' in survival mode, which has continued to play a role in their lives.
'People pleasing' was a common subordinate theme across all the interviews. It was represented as a need and not a choice and seemed to arise from a fear of abandonment: I think I always needed to sort of subconsciously to please everybody to make sure that I was going to be kept in that family.
All the participants experienced feelings of shame associated with their adoption and a deeper sense that they were rejected for a reason. This impacted on the participants' feelings of self-worth, and they developed defence mechanisms to protect themselves. The idea of rejecting others before they could be rejected was described. For one participant, this response was a reaction to criticism, and for another, it was a distancing technique: As somebody who's been rejected, you then become the rejector and so I tend to do that with people still, and with things and ideas. (Ruth) The word 'special' was highly emotive. All the participants had experienced the word used in association with their adoption. Two participants felt the word was used to 'overcompensate' for the adversity of adoption, but given their desire to 'blend in', they felt it had the reverse effect. However, the other participant was unable to 'hide' due to her physical appearance and really embraced the role: I would play up to being the special one, the chosen one, God chose me. (Ruth) All the participants described feeling 'different'. This was expressed as a felt 'wrongness', which also included a fear of 'being seen' that had the potential to lead to further rejection: I remembered just feeling weird.
Consequently, the participants spoke about 'hiding' and 'pretending' in an attempt to not be 'found out'. For Ruth, the feeling of 'difference' was even more prominent and exacerbated by her physical appearance that did not allow her to 'hide': Intimacy is considered a positive relational quality. However, for the participants, formative experiences of intimacy preceded such poignant experiences of loss and rejection, due to separation from their birth mother at birth, that intimacy itself seemed to have become a precursor for abandonment and triggered a fear response. They all acknowledged a difficulty with establishing close relationships: I would still say that I struggle with intimacy.

(Charlotte)
A lack of self-acceptance also seemed to impact the participants' ability to feel accepted by others. The struggle with selfacceptance was perceived as being related to the participants' early experiences as a baby, whose felt rejection led them to question their self-worth.

| Loss of 'Self'
Poignant experiences of loss and grief connected to adoption were recounted by the participants. There was the sense that parts of them were lost forever, their 'ghost selves', a self they had lost the potential to become. This 'loss of self' was compounded by a lack of recognition of the loss, which they felt was perpetuated by societal Similarly, Alison reflected: That real me was screaming, yes, I was screaming to get out really and silent, a silent kind of scream.

| Impact of person-centred training
After establishing a sense of the 'adoption difficulties' encountered by the participants, the data analysis then focused on the participants' experiences of person-centred counselling training and its perceived impact (Table 2).

| A person-centred ethos
Training to become a person-centred counsellor is more de- The participants identified key aspects of person-centred theory and practice which resonated strongly with them, namely empowerment, equality, working with the 'whole' person and listening to 'self'.
They shared how person-centred theory helped them to understand themselves better and how their difficulties may have developed.
In Alison's case, she sensed there were parts of herself 'fighting to come out', but her 'self-concept' and 'having to please others' acted as a barrier to make contact with her 'organismic self'. For her and the other participants, the course was clearly a catalyst to engage deeply with the barriers they experienced.

| Way of being
Experiencing and offering the core conditions were identified as being highly significant in relation to the participants' 'adoption difficulties'. This was particularly true in respect of congruence, and Alison suggested there was a 'deep awareness' of how incongruent she had to be growing up. All participants recognised that they grew up without a voice, unable to say how they truly felt and be heard. This difficulty was counteracted by the course, however, and they all felt their authenticity developed during their training.
Charlotte, for example, acknowledged how 'alien' the experience of congruence was for her and how she subsequently developed her own voice: Because I hadn't been congruent, I hadn't been authentic, yeah it was almost like, well I don't know what that is and, I suppose it was the course for me was a process of learning to be me and, learning to be authentic and, learning to have my voice.
Unconditional positive regard was also a mostly new experience for the participants and brought up painful memories of growing up in a conditional environment. Two of the participants felt this experience positively contributed to their ability to 'not judge' and be 'compassionate' towards others. However, the other participant felt her formative experiences had made it harder to trust. None of the participants expressed a difficulty with offering empathy and spoke about being able to recognise and appreciate pain in others. However, they all voiced a difficulty in accepting empathy and identified the tendency to 'minimise' their experience so as to 'not take up time' and continuing 'childhood patterns' of 'repressing difficult emotions'. The participants spoke about the course 'challenging' them to focus on and accept their pain, which they were then able to draw upon to facilitate the development of others.

| Changing and growing
Person-centred training utilises a range of exercises and experiences to promote learning and development, and all the participants identified key areas that impacted them. The importance of 'the group' in their training was a common theme, and the experience of sharing in a group was a powerful one. For Charlotte, sharing in the larger group consolidated her development: To actually be heard and held in that space, I mean it was huge, I could've said it 1-1 to a therapist, I could probably have said it in a triad but to say it even in a small group like PD was big, to then take it to, to the whole year group, was, for me, that was like I've got a voice now!
All participants spoke about their relationships with the course tutors. They noticed parallels between their tutors and parental figures, and these were both positive and negative. For two participants, the tutors reminded them of their adoptive parents, and they recounted experiences where they felt 'silenced' and 'dismissed'. The other participant described her tutor as 'motherly' and 'warm'; she identified that she projected her 'fantasy of the perfect mother' onto her and developed an 'unhealthy connection'. She also identified feeling 'alone and abandoned' when the tutor changed jobs and left the course.
For all participants, training was their first experience of reading any literature or research related to adoption. This was highly validating, as poignantly described by Charlotte: I think the first thing I started reading was The Primal Wound and, I think within the first page, I felt like I'd been slapped around the face with a wet fish! Um it was just like, oh my God that's me on a plate! I didn't even realise that was an issue! Person-centred training involves lectures and modules on topics relevant to counselling. All participants felt the training increased their knowledge in areas significant to their adoption. Learning related to attachment theory and the impact of trauma were identified as particularly helpful.

TA B L E 3 A summary of tensions
between 'adoption difficulties' and the essential requirements of person-centred counsellor training movement away from the self-concept formed in childhood towards a more congruent way of being. All participants expressed a powerful movement towards self-acceptance during their training. They also described a feeling of freedom, which appeared to be associated with an ability to explore and connect to themselves for the first time. Each of the participants found their person-centred training invaluable and gained a deeper understanding of themselves in relation to their adoption. They all questioned whether this development would have occurred without their person-centred training.
The power and impact of their experience on the course was elucidated by Alison: It probably saved my life, and I don't mean to sound dramatic, but I think, I think it really has.
The findings of this study bring into sharp focus the tensions between the adoption difficulties experienced by the participants and the essential components of person-centred counsellor training. These tensions are summarised in Table 3.

| D ISCUSS I ON
The findings support existing research into adoption and the potential difficulties that can develop. They also extend this understanding further through the added exploration of the impact of person-centred counselling training upon adoptees.
As highlighted in Table 3, specific tensions were experienced by the participants between opposing 'ways of being', for example, the incongruent adoptee and the congruent therapist. The distance between the two was vast, and the rich data offered by the participants provided a powerful insight into their experience of adversity and journey towards healing.
A lack of open communication regarding their adoption impacted the participants' ability to talk about it and led to powerful assumptions regarding survival and self-worth. The participants recognised a lack of acknowledgement of their adoption as contributing to the difficulties they experienced, and this was compounded by their adoption happening when they were an infant. They also described a lack of permission to grieve the losses associated with their adoption as significant. These included the loss of a potential 'self' and relationships. This lack of acknowledgement of their history concurs with what has been highlighted in the literature regarding the secrecy that often surrounds adoption (Brodzinsky et al., 1998) and the numerous obstacles involved in openly discussing it (Harrigan, 2010).
This also resonates with the general consensus among researchers and clinicians that loss is at the heart of adoption (Schachter & Schachter, 2011)-for the relinquishing parents, the adoptive parents and the adopted child. Within this context, there is a growing recognition that adoption is among the many non-death losses that are disenfranchised (Doka, 2002) and not recognised as a 'legitimate' loss that often necessitates grieving. Whilst the concept of disenfranchisement rarely appears in counsellor training literature, it offers a powerful conceptual framework to help elucidate the many barriers that participants may experience at the commencement of their training.
These difficulties were counteracted, to a considerable degree, by their person-centred training, which offered opportunities for the participants to learn about theories of human development, adversity, loss and grief and facilitated exploration of different facets of their development. For the first time, there was 'permission' to explore their adoption experiences. Emanating from this 'permission', the participants expressed profound experiences of pain and sadness associated with their adoption. Through self-compassion for their 'baby-self' and reflection, they were able to acknowledge and assimilate their experience, and this was a highly significant step in their self-development journey. This is consistent with the experience of the participant in Baxter's (2020) study who was an adoptee, and, on a more general level, also concurs with literature (Harding Davies et al., 2004;Johns, 2012) that attests to how counselling training, particularly in the humanistic and psychodynamic modalities, almost inevitably opens doors for engaging with previously silenced aspects of early and later life experience.
The participants also acknowledged struggles with intimacy and difficulties forming close relationships. These difficulties are also evidenced in the extant literature (Dennis, 2014). However, personcentred counsellors require the ability to develop a trusting therapeutic relationship and work at relational depth (Mearns, 1997;Mearns & Cooper, 2018). This presents a challenge to adoptees who avoid close relationships. Their person-centred training facilitated development in this area, by inviting the participants to share their experience and promoting a safe climate to enable this. Within an accepting environment, the blocks to intimacy were largely removed and fear was diminished. This accords with literature (Robson & Robson;Lennie, 2007) that attests to the struggles with safety and intimacy commonly encountered on training courses and how trainees have gradually been able to move towards developing greater trust in themselves and others and to share their vulnerability-all precursors to developing their potential to work at relational depth.
The risk-taking, experimentation and courage required to develop greater emotional intimacy are clearly documented (Baxter, 2020;Harding Davies et al., 2004;Robson & Robson, 2008), and this has been examined within the context of the ethos of the course and the degree to which a facilitative and safe climate is created (McQuaid, 2014).
Research acknowledges that adoptees can experience deepseated shame and a lack of self-acceptance that has its origins in a fear of rejection (Lifton, 1994;Roszia & Maxon, 2019). This was also the experience of the participants in the current investigation.
However, self-acceptance is a crucial quality for a person-centred counsellor to possess. Mearns and Thorne (2013, p. 37) identify self-acceptance as 'the cornerstone' for therapeutic practice: 'it is impossible to offer a client acceptance, empathy and genuineness at the deepest level if such responses are withheld from self'. The participants' self-acceptance developed during their training and seemed to have been impacted by experiencing compassion for others, hearing their pain and struggles. The development of greater self-acceptance, along with the myriad of challenges this entails, has consistently been reported as a major outcome of person-centred training as evidenced in studies by Baxter (2020) and Robson and Robson (2008) and in the powerful narrative accounts offered by Harding Davies et al. (2004).
As suggested previously, the participants acknowledged a lack of awareness regarding their 'adoption difficulties' prior to embarking on their training. They had a deep sense of pain within them but were unaware of its roots. Robertson (2001) explains that to be unaware of an experience is not the same as being unaffected. Increased selfawareness during person-centred training is not accidental. Tolan (2012) describes this as the first task of person-centred counselling training. Awareness of self is crucial to ensure a counsellor's issues do not impede the client's process (Pieterse et al., 2013), and this has resonance with the concept of the wounded healer (Jung, 1951).
Increased self-awareness can be healing and may help individuals to recognise the emotions for which they need help in soothing or regulating (Stevens, 2017 (Baxter, 2020;, which attest to the growth in self-awareness and understanding that is likely to partly result from engaging with struggles about the impact of past adversity. Similar to the experience of the participants in the current investigation, the magnitude of such realisations has been reported as being profound and unexpected (Folkes-Skinner, 2011), but the potential impact of relevant literature is an understudied area.
All the participants expressed difficulties with self-expression and feeling heard when they were growing up. They referred to this as not having a voice and related it to their adoption. It seemed to have developed from a lack of open communication and a fear of rejection, both evident in the existing literature (Dennis, 2014;Schofield & Beek, 2006;Verrier, 2012). The participants felt this difficulty was compounded by being adopted as a baby and their emotional needs not being fully acknowledged.
The participants identified their training as significant in supporting them to develop 'a voice'. They noted how it encouraged them to listen to and nurture their internal voice within a safe, accepting environment. Additionally, the participants felt large group working was particularly beneficial for this area of development where their bravery and progress was realised. This concurs with Mearns (1997) who also identified large group working as a highly useful environment for experimentation with the developing 'self'.
Extant research, however (Lennie, 2007;Robson & Robson, 2008;, has tended to focus more on how the small group experience (variously defined as a personal development group, process group or encounter group) has been the most instrumental medium for facilitating risking-taking, experimentation and gradually dissolving conditions of worth that have prevented self-expression.
Closely aligned with finding their own voice was developing a more authentic sense of their own identity. Identity formation is a well-documented struggle for adoptees. Research has found a relationship between authenticity and identity (Stevens, 2017).
Consequently, authenticity can be defined as an expression of one's true self (Kernis & Goldman, 2006). Becoming authentic and developing an identity requires self-exploration (Erikson, 1968).
Person-centred training offers 'a healthy climate of non-judgemental exploration' (Mearns, 1997, p. 125). This is consistently reported in research studies (Baxter, 2020;McQuaid, 2014;Robson & Robson, 2008), as are the potentially damaging consequences when there is a breakdown in the learning climate (Treull, 2001 (Baxter, 2020;Harding Davies et al., 2004;Folkes-Skinner et al. 2010;Folkes-Skinner, 2011;Johns, 2012;. It encouraged personal development and self-discovery accompanied by a sense of freedom realised once the 'shackles' of the self-concept were discerned and broken. 'The adoptee who fully accepts his or her existential freedom to choose is able to engage his or her will and thus choose to act upon his or her decision without guilt or regret' (Krueger & Hanna, 1997, p. 199).
Recent developments in the field seek to mitigate the complications associated with adoption brought about by a lack of open communication and knowledge of one's heritage (Lifton, 1994;Morgan, 2017;Verrier, 2012). However, the participants in this research did not benefit from these developments. This was not only due to the age of the participants but also because, as they were adopted as babies, the onus was on their adoptive parents to facilitate and promote open conversations (Argent, 1987;Habermas & Bluck, 2000;Jay, 2017). The fact that, for the participants in this research, open conversations about their adoption did not happen highlights the unique struggles faced by those adopted as babies.
They are, to a much greater extent than older children, significantly more vulnerable and dependant on their adoptive parents to promote open conversations, and the adoptive parents' willingness to do so is subjective. Consequently, the difficulties the participants all experienced highlight the pervasive impact adoption complications can have, and continue to have, upon the lives of adoptees.
However, the participants identified the healing nature of their training, which is in line with previous findings and theoretical material (Baxter, 2020;Folkes-Skinner et al., 2010;Johns, 2012;Jung, 1951;McLeod & McLeod, 2014;Pieterse et al., 2013). Their sheer lack of previous awareness and descriptions of their training as 'life-saving' seem to offer new learnings as to their process and the vital need for all adoptees to have the opportunity to explore and understand themselves and their history better.

| CON CLUS ION
This study explored the lived experiences of adult adoptees, a field where research is lacking (Verrier, 2012). Links were found between an adoptee's way of being and their experiences of self-development during their training. It was an ultimately positive experience, which included the following: the development of self-awareness, a movement towards self-acceptance and the fostering of a true sense of 'self'. The participants' self-development was necessitated by the personal development requirements of person-centred training and was nurtured within a safe environment where growth and exploration were encouraged.
This research confers implications for practice, especially in relation to understanding adoptees and the healing aspects of the person-centred approach. It identifies the contrasting relationship between adoption difficulties and person-centred skills/qualities as well as demonstrating the significance of the core conditions and their powerful impact upon those who lack experience with them with.
The research also presents implications for trainers and the need for greater understanding of the potential unique challenges in adoptees' process and embracing the full and diverse experiences of their trainees. For example, for a trainee who was adopted as a baby, person-centred training might be the first place where they are able and encouraged to explore their adoption. This could present the possibility of many painful and new realisations including disenfranchised loss and grief. In addition, the research highlights potential opportunities during training for the direct exploration of adoption within the context of human growth and development theories, as well as experiential exercises. Consequently, this also places an emphasis on the vital need for the self-care of trainees who were adopted as a baby.
There are also implications in counselling for adoptive families where more understanding of the adopted child, who may feel voiceless, could be appreciated. Counsellors who understand the 'lived experience' of these children may be in a better position to facilitate open communication within families and strengthen relationships. There is also the potential for training opportunities offered by counsellors with these dual experiences (being both adopted as a baby and a person-centred counsellor) to share their personal development experiences with others in the field.
In addition, this research suggests that all adoptees, no matter their age, would benefit from being able to access the Adoption Support Fund, and this research suggests that it may be especially needed if their adoption happened when they were a baby.
In conclusion, this research conveys the significance of the person-centred approach, communicating its continued relevance and importance in the field of counselling and psychotherapy.
The small-scale nature of this research presented rigid limitations. It was difficult to balance the richness and complexity of the data with the pragmatism required for a concise study.
This study has been a privilege to undertake. The honesty and openness of the participants has been invaluable and provided insight into the lived experiences of the invisible adoptees who walk among us.
There is considerable scope for further exploration into the issues highlighted by this research. As an original area of study, the focus of this small-scale study is worthy of extension and development.
'What we have to offer is not a technique, not a theory, but who we are'. (Kramer, 2000, p. 24)